In Hiding (Micro-Fiction)

11-19 Pipe

Shielding her eyes from the mid-day sun, Geri stumbled from the opening of the shallow cave that had been her shelter. Her muscles twitched after huddling in the small space for so long.

Her head swirled as if she’d been blindfolded and spun in circles. A relieved sigh escaped when she spotted the water pipeline in the distance. Before time ran out, they’d agreed to meet there.

Geri slumped against a support pole, borrowing a sliver of shade. Growing sleepy under the warming rays, silence augmented her isolation.

Maybe she won?

Hide-and-seek (or winning) never felt so lonely.

~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-

I decided to go ‘short’ for a couple reasons (1) to give your eyes a break (most of my fiction ends up being around 1,000 words) and (2) to practice writing short again.  I’m hoping to come up with an entry for a micro-fiction contest but it’s been months since I’ve attempted to write a story in 100 words or less.  This one came in at 98 words.

There really wasn’t any inspiration for this, other than this photo I had on hand, taken earlier this year during a hike on the Mogollon Rim (Arizona.)  I’d hoped the story would have an end-of-the-world feel at the beginning, the twist being the revelation that it was a game of hide-and-seek.

Whether it worked or not, I don’t know – you tell me!  (Really, I would love the feedback 🙂 )

Have a great Thursday!

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42 thoughts on “In Hiding (Micro-Fiction)

  1. nrhatch November 20, 2014 / 6:43 AM

    It worked for me . . .

    I just finished reading The Hunger Games trilogy and immediately pictured the Mockingjay in the Arena fighting for her life.

    • jannatwrites November 21, 2014 / 1:55 AM

      Thanks, Nancy! I haven’t read Hunger Games, but I’m glad this story worked for you 🙂

  2. Timothy Price November 20, 2014 / 7:54 AM

    Really nice, very short story. You leave lots of room for the imagination. And give some of us challenged story writers inspiration — I might try writing a really short story. Thanks, Janna!

    • jannatwrites November 21, 2014 / 1:56 AM

      Thanks, Tim! I hope you give it a try… writing short is a fun exercise, but I think I prefer a little longer so I can wrap more details into the story 🙂

  3. Debbie November 20, 2014 / 8:14 AM

    It does have that futuristic feel to it, Janna. Isn’t success wonderful?!!

    • jannatwrites November 21, 2014 / 1:57 AM

      I’d like to find out more about success, Debbie 🙂 Thanks for stopping by to read it!

  4. mbarkersimpson November 20, 2014 / 10:16 AM

    I enjoyed the intrigue, and the emotion of the piece. I especially loved the line – ‘silence augmented her isolation’ – it says so much about her predicament and her uncertainty.

    • jannatwrites November 21, 2014 / 1:58 AM

      Thanks for reading and sharing your comment, Melissa. That moment was a pit of loneliness for her. I imagine her friends eventually did find her 🙂

  5. joannesisco November 20, 2014 / 10:27 AM

    I think I might have watched too many sci-fi movies. At the end I was wondering if the end of civilization had happened while she was playing hide-and-seek – only she didn’t know it yet.

    • jannatwrites November 21, 2014 / 1:59 AM

      Hmmm… I like your interpretation of it, Joanne. That would be a twist if it was more than just hide-and-seek!

      • joannesisco November 21, 2014 / 6:15 AM

        Glad to help make your story more complicated 😉

        • jannatwrites November 22, 2014 / 4:56 PM

          Complicated is usually good when it comes to stories… just not in 100 words 🙂

  6. newwhitebear November 20, 2014 / 12:26 PM

    This is a short but complete story and with an unpredictable ending.
    Geri realized that he was alone.
    Well done!

    • jannatwrites November 21, 2014 / 2:00 AM

      Thanks for reading, Newwhitebear! I’m glad the ending wasn’t expected 🙂

  7. Sean November 20, 2014 / 1:12 PM

    Under 100 words is tough to have it flow like you would like it to. Just not enough words to make everything happen. I did like your choice of words used. After it is read several times and it is understood what is happening, it flows better.

    • jannatwrites November 21, 2014 / 2:02 AM

      Yes, it’s amazing how fast the words go by. I’d say this one didn’t quite work for you if it took several readings for it fall into place 🙂 Thanks for sharing your feedback, Sean!

  8. Deborah November 20, 2014 / 11:38 PM

    Wow, even if you haven’t done short short in a while, you sure haven’t lost your touch! Great story!

    • jannatwrites November 21, 2014 / 2:03 AM

      Thanks for your nice comment, Deborah! I still feel rusty and haven’t come up with the perfect story for the contest yet. I’ll keep trying 🙂

  9. Emilio Pasquale November 21, 2014 / 1:54 PM

    Perfectly realized story and character. Only one minor problem for me, that last line. Either it’s hide and seek or winning that is lonely. Not either/or! 🙂

    • jannatwrites November 22, 2014 / 4:58 PM

      Thanks for reading and your feedback, Emilio!

  10. clarbojahn November 21, 2014 / 2:31 PM

    This was terrific. Wish there was more though. Did she fall asleep? Was the game over? I want to know more. 🙂

    • jannatwrites November 22, 2014 / 4:59 PM

      This is one reason I don’t write too much of the shorter stuff – there isn’t room for details 🙂 In this case, I guess the scenario can be whatever you imagine it to be, Clar!

    • jannatwrites November 22, 2014 / 5:00 PM

      Thanks, Vishal – I appreciate you reading it!

  11. Gene Brode, Jr. November 22, 2014 / 4:21 AM

    I was thinking it was post-apocalyptic! And actually, playing hide and seek does have that feel when you’re out in the woods and your friends are all missing. Nice little piece, thanks for sharing!

    • jannatwrites November 22, 2014 / 5:01 PM

      Thanks for reading, Gene! Haven’t seen you around in a while, so I’m glad you stopped by 🙂 (I think hide-and-seek is kind of creepy in the woods!)

      • Gene Brode, Jr. November 22, 2014 / 5:35 PM

        Work’s had me pretty tied up and I’ve been working on some stories in my spare time, though its never enough. I’ve sort of been neglecting my blog and blogging. Once the holidays are over I hope to hunker down in the cold and do some more blogging. I even started Steinbeck’s “East of Eden” but I’m not committed to it just yet!

        • jannatwrites November 23, 2014 / 8:52 PM

          It’s tough when work interferes with writing (but we have to pay the bills!) Good luck on your writing goals – this time of year does tend to get hectic.

  12. Kathy Combs (@KathyCombs16) November 23, 2014 / 11:32 AM

    This reminded me a bit of the Hunger Games too. Of course I am a big fan of the books and the movies. I loved it, as I do all your writing. It was awesome! ♥

    • jannatwrites November 23, 2014 / 8:53 PM

      I’ve never seen/read Hunger Games, so now I’m curious 🙂 Thanks for reading, Kathy!

  13. Imelda November 23, 2014 / 8:45 PM

    Now, she has to deal with the fear of not being found. What if the other person did not want to find her? Where is she? I s she still in the same plane and dimension as the seeker?

    Ah, this piece is rich. 🙂

    • jannatwrites November 23, 2014 / 8:55 PM

      Thanks for reading and sharing your comments, Imelda. I wish I could’ve answered some of the questions, but I find I can’t do that in 100 words (not my favorite length – I much prefer 500 to 1000 (or more) words 🙂

  14. momtheobscure November 24, 2014 / 11:01 AM

    I did have to read the last line twice. I went over the word hide and seek and then realized it was a game she was playing. But had she hid for too long? Hopefully she won’t be alone for long.

    • jannatwrites November 24, 2014 / 7:07 PM

      I did imagine she’d stayed hidden too long. I like to think she did meet up with her friends soon after. Thanks for reading and sharing your feedback, Momtheobscure 🙂

  15. frederick anderson November 25, 2014 / 3:01 AM

    Very concise! The hide-and-seek twist is well concealed, and yes, it does give the impression she was threatened by greater things.

  16. agjorgenson November 25, 2014 / 6:05 PM

    I like the portrayal of emotion – the feeling of isolation that comes with success. it is also nicely open-ended… what will come next? What if the other can’t seem to find the pipe?

    • jannatwrites November 27, 2014 / 8:42 PM

      Thanks for reading and sharing your reaction, Allen.

  17. Sarah Ann December 10, 2014 / 12:34 PM

    This is really very clever. The start gives a sense of post-apocalypse, post disaster. There is such a need and a drive to survive. It’s a relief in some ways to know it’s a game. But she was obviously too good at it, as the others see to have gone home because they couldn’t find her.

    • jannatwrites December 10, 2014 / 3:40 PM

      I guess that’s the price she pays for being so good 🙂 Thanks for reading, Sarah Ann!

  18. pattisj December 29, 2014 / 10:34 PM

    I wondered what “before time ran out” was alluding to. Your explanation clarifies that. I wondered how long she’d been hiding there–taking hide-and-seek to new limits!

    • jannatwrites December 31, 2014 / 12:22 AM

      Hide-and-seek can be quite competitive and intense, Patti 🙂

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