Worthless Commodity?

Never peace between darkness and light...
Never peace between darkness and light…

I refuse to believe

That time is money;

That each breath is calculated

In dollars and cents,

That what I thought priceless,

Is essentially worthless…

It doesn’t make sense.

I cannot concede

That my value is monetary;

That my worth is determined

On an hourly basis,

That there is no light in darkness,

An eternity spent in stasis …

Life must be more than this.

~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-

First of all, I have to say that I’ve missed this place- and reading what others have been up to.  I knew I’d be gone for a week, maybe two, but my absence extended and I began thinking my writing thoughts were done.  Since my last post in January, I endured a 3.5 hour trial so a judge can determine my fate in my divorce (nearly a year after filing), I unloaded the burden of ‘too much house’, lived with a neighbor for several days while in between houses, moved into a much smaller house that I selected on my own, and got knocked down by a nasty cold.  Things are nowhere near where I’d like them to be but that will take time.  And the things I want to do to make this house my “home” take money.

And this is what started the poem I’ve posted.  As I was patching nail holes throughout my house, wondering how someone could possibly have so many things to hang on the walls, I contemplated the idea of having someone paint the interior.  I quickly nixed that idea because I don’t really have money for paint, much less the luxury of someone to do the work for me.  I thought, I don’t have time or money, but right now, I have more time than money.

That realization sent me thinking about how everything seems to come down to dollars and cents these days.  I’ve spent the last year and over $18,000 fighting a soon-to-be ex who seems to view me as his meal ticket.  I could rant about that but I won’t, because I’m tired.  And besides, there’s no point.  My fate is now in the hands of God, and the judge who will determine how much I will lose.  As I look back on this last year, I’m most disappointed that my value seems to be, well, in my value… as in my salary, my savings, etc.  If I didn’t have the kids to care for, I would quit my job and live nowhere… and everywhere. I’d earn enough money for my necessities, but not enough for anyone to bother to take advantage of me.

But this is the real world.

I feel more hope than I did a year ago, but honestly, I still struggle with lows that make me wonder if I will battle darkness every day of my life.  I wonder if I will always cry when I should be happy, or feel this weight inside me when I should be soaring.  Only time will tell.

Although I’m more realistic (cynical?) than I’ve ever been, I still want to believe my thoughts, ideas and dreams cannot be appraised and converted to currency.  I have to believe that darkness isn’t a certainty and there is more to hope for than whatever this life brings.

Those are the thoughts/inspiration behind the poem.  Have a beautiful Wednesday!

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36 thoughts on “Worthless Commodity?

  1. Debbie February 17, 2016 / 8:22 AM

    Brutally honest, painfully evocative, Janna! Yes, it sounds as if you’ve been through a meat-grinder, but the good news is, you’re surviving. On survival’s heels comes thriving, and I have NO doubt you’ll be doing that before you know it! Time really does heal all wounds, but the smart folks always learn from their experiences. Glad you’re past the cumbersome part — it’s only up from here. Hang in there, knowing most of us wish for the same thing (quitting work, living wherever, eliminating bothersome people)!

    • jannatwrites March 6, 2016 / 10:38 PM

      Well, honesty is what I go for here… which is one of the many reasons I’m not able to write much at the moment. I still like to keep things positive when I can 🙂 I hope you’re right, that life will be more than surviving at some point… til then, I’ll take each day as it comes, Debbie.

    • jannatwrites March 6, 2016 / 10:43 PM

      Thanks, Nancy…. it does put things in perspective, for sure. I had hoped to be more “back” than I am at the moment, but it will take time!

  2. Catherine Johnson February 17, 2016 / 9:03 AM

    Yikes that’s a tough year, Janna. I’m so sorry. The more you get back into blogging and being around creative types, the beauty of the world will return. Real life is so tough.

    • jannatwrites March 6, 2016 / 10:44 PM

      That’s an encouraging thought, Catherine… I do want to get more involved in blogging and writing because I do truly enjoy those things.

  3. suzicate February 17, 2016 / 10:20 AM

    I know you’ve had a rough year, and in time the beauty and blessings of your life will return. I don’t spend much time on the blogs these days, but I have missed seeing your posts in my inbox.

    • jannatwrites March 6, 2016 / 10:45 PM

      Thanks, Suzicate. I’ve noticed you haven’t been around as much – I appreciate you taking time to read and share your comment though 🙂

      • suzicate March 7, 2016 / 9:16 AM

        Yes, I only post once a week now and whenever I feel like it to my poetry blog. I try to read all that comes through my email, but some days I don’t get through it all.

  4. GodGirl February 17, 2016 / 1:13 PM

    Sending you hugs, Janna. Praying that you’d find comfort during this time of trial, and that the light would slowly but surely penetrate the dark. May you look forward to that time when there will be no more tears, or mourning, or pain…

    • jannatwrites March 6, 2016 / 10:46 PM

      Thanks, GodGirl. I know there will be more pain in this life, but I am looking forward to a little break from all that 🙂

  5. joannesisco February 17, 2016 / 2:36 PM

    Debbie said it all so well. You have been through a meat grinder, but hopefully this is now the turning point. Congrats on the move – this is one huge burden behind you and now is the time to start looking forward to better things 🙂

    • jannatwrites March 6, 2016 / 10:48 PM

      I feel like ground beef 🙂 I do think things will get better in time. Right now, I’m just overwhelmed with my ‘to do’ list… but things are getting done, slowly but surely!

  6. Anita Kushwaha February 18, 2016 / 5:36 AM

    I love your poem, Janna, and your post. I’ve been wondering how things are going, so thanks for this update. Gosh, it’s been busy for you lately. No wonder you are tired. And you’ve made it through it all, which shows how deeply resilient you are, and always will be. Sending lots of good vibes your way and I hope you’re enjoying your new place. 🙂

    • jannatwrites March 6, 2016 / 10:50 PM

      Thanks, Anita – I appreciate the good vibes. Things have been so busy, but I do try to take a moment to acknowledge what I’ve gotten done rather than dwelling too much on all the things left to do

      • Anita Kushwaha March 11, 2016 / 7:40 AM

        That’s such good advice and something I’m trying to do more too. I was telling someone the other day that lately I’ve been rushing through my days as though there’s someone with a whip lashing me from behind. He said to me, “That’s you.” Wow, did my brain ever explode then, ha ha. 🙂

        • jannatwrites March 21, 2016 / 11:15 PM

          We tend to do that to ourselves and not even realize it. We’re brutal 🙂

  7. agjorgenson February 19, 2016 / 7:52 AM

    Thanks for the powerful poem, and sharing your journey with us. Peace to you in this new place…

    • jannatwrites March 6, 2016 / 10:51 PM

      Thanks, Allen. I do enjoy the new place and am slowly making it a home.

  8. Leigh W. Smith February 20, 2016 / 9:17 AM

    You’ve had a rough couple of years, Janna. I’ve heard of ankylosing spondylitis, but I didn’t remember what it was specifically. I think what I’ve taken from the bad moments in life is that sometimes what happens, just happens, not for a reason per se (at least not all the time). In any case, to the outsider’s view (mine), it really does seem like you are making good-to-great progress. You’ve got a diagnosis for your son, it (from what I’ve read) can be treated, and you disentangled yourself and your children from a very unhappy and unhealthy relationship. That takes an amazing amount of poise, strength, intelligence, and, maybe there’s a better word, heart. I hope the good things in your life begin to multiply again, and I wish a pain-free course of healing for your son. Looking forward to seeing you around WP whenever you have the time. Your fiction and poetry, I hope, are transformative to you, too.

    • jannatwrites March 6, 2016 / 10:57 PM

      The good thing about 2015 is it was so bad that 2016 doesn’t have to try very hard to be better 🙂 Thanks for the encouraging comment, Leigh. Things are getting better all the way around. My son has had a few doses of the medication, but still has pain. They said it could take up to three months to notice a big difference, so I’m hoping it works. As for the rest of life, I’m seeing some relief and some loose ends that could be tied soon.

  9. Björn Rudberg (brudberg) February 22, 2016 / 1:22 AM

    The value seen in money is actually something that I don’t really understand (but of course I have not lacked financial means)… but I have never thought it made me more valuable in any sense… sometimes I wish for days at home when I can fix the home… I remember when I was a Student and fixed nail-holes with Tipp-Ex… today I can afford someone to do that, but that takes time too… somehow I think finding happiness is a balance of having both time and (enough) money. But never have I seen any value in the square meter of living I occupy. I know things will get right for you Janna… and i think writing is what makes all the difference….

    • jannatwrites March 6, 2016 / 11:01 PM

      Thanks for sharing your comment, Bjorn. I think life is more than the money or the “stuff” we have – balance is a good way of thinking of it. Sure, it’s nice to have enough money to eat and keep a roof over my head… but so much of the ‘extras’ just become a burden. Things will certainly improve and I do hope to have more time for writing soon.

  10. philosophermouseofthehedge February 25, 2016 / 11:40 AM

    Eyes new wide open will make it easier to avoid the deep fractures of the earth and dark human souls.
    Money measuring worth is a awkward as a ticking clock hand marking and measuring time. Artificial.
    What ever the cost, count it well spent.
    Paint of just right will appear. Meanwhile you have sun, stars, moon and knowing you will walk free and fly again. And are headed for better place for you and yours.
    (and if thoughts do have force, then a POX on him from bloggers)

    • jannatwrites March 6, 2016 / 11:08 PM

      Your comment made me smile, Phil. I’ve gotten word that my ex’s attempt to make me “pay” have failed, so I’m relieved. I hope to live in a way so that my kids aren’t so focused on money and are able to recognize “enough” when they see it.

  11. Eric Alagan March 3, 2016 / 5:19 AM

    Wow! I’d no idea of what you’ve been and going through – until now – Janna.
    I’d been away from blogging and restarted recently – and now, I read of your…
    You’ve my prayers and hope that around the bend, await gardens with brilliant blooms and soothing scents.
    Your reader, Debbie, said it’s only up from here. Very true.
    Peace,
    Eric

    • jannatwrites March 6, 2016 / 11:09 PM

      It’s definitely been a year, Eric! I’m behind on reading (like nearly 1,000 emails behind) but have seen you’ve posted recently. I’m hanging onto the emails so I can (maybe) catch up eventually. I appreciate the prayers 🙂

  12. Imelda March 12, 2016 / 7:24 AM

    your poem is right on – you are more valuable than either time or money or even both. Look up… things get better eventually. 🙂

  13. pattisj March 21, 2016 / 9:38 PM

    Your heart grieves the loss of happily-ever-after. That takes time. It sounds like things are turning around. I prayed the judge would clearly see the situation. My husband alway says it’s time or money, we seem to have one, but not the other. We’re just passing through, on the way to our real home, and no nail holes to patch! Blessings to you and your sons.

    • jannatwrites March 21, 2016 / 11:22 PM

      I appreciate your prayers, Patti. The judge made his rulings, however, last week, I found out that they filed a motion to reconsider on the major points, so it’s far from over. I would like to sleep until it’s over 🙂

      • pattisj March 22, 2016 / 12:09 AM

        I can’t blame you there! We had legal dealings a few years ago, each time we went to court things got turned around, back to square one. It was so frustrating for everyone. The other guy’s attorney finally quit and suggested the judge rule in our favor. Your day is coming!

        • jannatwrites March 27, 2016 / 8:18 PM

          I’m glad your issue was resolved, Patti. I’m looking forward to the same happening here 🙂

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