At My Worst

If we wait long enough, there is always a break in the clouds…

Last week, I hinted at fiction for this week… that’s still on- for Thursday, I think 🙂 But tonight, as I work through some stuff in my head, I had some thoughts I was moved to share.

When we have a disagreement with someone, we often comment that we’ve seen them at their worst. On the surface, the disagreement seems like a negative thing. In the aftermath, we tell ourselves the hurtful person that emerged and attacked with well-aimed emotional missiles was just a result of the situation. It’s not really who they are.

It occurs to me that this “worst” isn’t always an abnormality in behavior, but rather the truest sense of the person that appeared from behind the mask usually held firmly in place.   What seems like a bad thing turns into a blessing because it provides a glimpse of what lives in the person’s heart. It’s better to know what we’re dealing with.

It got me thinking about what I am at my worst. I’m there right now…

I struggle to keep seeds of resentment from taking root. I battle anger with regular exercise and prayers to “let it go.” I linger in lows where hope could slide through the eye of a needle.  Sometimes I feel like a doormat and I want to shout all the things I bottle up inside, but I refuse to retaliate with hatred. I seek peace instead.  Bad feelings might be around me, but they will not become me.

This is who I am at my worst.  I’m far from perfect, but I could be worse…

What do you think – is our worst a true indication of who we are?

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3-Word Resolution

Learn, not dwell.

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This is my response to Trifecta’s writing prompt:

Michael Hess inspired us with his three word New Year’s resolution – just be nice.  We’re asking for your own resolutions in just three words.  Make it count; we’ll be checking back in come 2015.

The Trifecta challenge is open to all.  If you want to submit your own response, click on the Tricycle image to check out the challenge and submit your link.

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As someone who doesn’t make new year’s resolutions, I sure came up with a bunch of chicken-scratch about what I’d like to change or improve about myself.  Boiling it down to three words was admittedly difficult!

I settled on these three words because I have a tendency to fixate on my mistakes.  Instead of acknowledging them and moving on, I’ll remind myself of them and focus on them until the exercise drains my confidence.  This year, I want to make my mistakes (they will happen), learn how I could’ve handled differently, then pick up with life without looking over my shoulder.

Hope you have a happy start to the new year!

 

Empty

Empty

Another week is over,

With nothing more to show

Than stiffness in my shoulders,

And half a list undone.

I contemplate my journey,

Gauge my spirit’s warmth;

It seems to be another week

Of self-absorbed neglect.

I search for a spark

In longing silence;

The ache of my heart

Revealing the ugly truth:

I am empty,

Inside, there is nothing.

My eyes well up with tears.

Finally.

I’ve got something.

What Do I Write?….Oh, And How Did I Get Here?

Have you ever gotten in your car and driven somewhere, only to reach your destination and realize that you don’t remember a significant portion of the trip?  I hope I’m not the only one this happens to, or I’ll have to add it to the list of possible signs that I’m losing my mind.  That list is getting pretty long (and convincing).

Well, this is how my life feels at the moment.  I’ve been writing around something for a couple months now because I didn’t know where to start.  How do you find the beginning of a circle anyway?  To put it simply, the “something” I’ve been writing around is God and my life and writing.  It’s funny how all three are intertwined.  What’s even more hilarious is the fact that I’ve managed to not fully acknowledge it for this long 🙂  Yes, I am a dense one…but I have a great personality.  The personality argument doesn’t work here?  Oh.

Before I go further, I feel like I should put in some disclaimers.  You know; like the scrolling window of fine print you see (and have to click “I agree” to) when downloading software or the fast-talking at the end of a car commercial.  Only I will write slowly and concisely.  Oh, who am I kidding, I don’t do concise.

Disclaimer 1:  I plan to do my spiritual sort-out posts on Sundays. I know some of my readers may not be Christian, so I wanted to ‘warn’ you.  If the topic offends or makes you uncomfortable (or bores you to tears), don’t stop by on Sundays.  I don’t want anyone to feel ambushed 🙂

Disclaimer 2:  I’m NOT going to get “preachy” or anything.  I want to see if I can figure out how I ended up where I am without even realizing it – that’s all.  For several weeks, I’ve been debating about whether or not to post about this.  I’ve chickened out several times, but the idea keeps nagging at me, so I’m guessing this is where I’m supposed to suck it up and “just do it” (to steal the Nike slogan.)  Since it affects my writing, and this is my writing blog, it kind of makes sense.  And who knows, maybe others can relate.

On a semi-related topic, I started reading, “The Art & Craft of Writing Christian Fiction” by Jeff Gerke earlier this week.  There are two questions he asks that would be helpful regardless of the genre you write.  And, they are so basic and obvious that I can’t believe I never put serious thought into them.  I am now, and it’s an enlightening experience!  Ready?  Here they are:

• Why do you write?  Examine motives to make sure you write for the right reasons.  Writing for approval or validation of others will not fulfill you or give you a sense of accomplishment.
• What drives your desire to be published?  Look at motives and expectations.  The strong desire for publication could be a form of greed.  Publication won’t fill a void by making us content with life or making all our dreams come true.

Have you ever consciously thought about these questions?