Death trails behind me,
Decaying carcasses lie uncovered;
Youthful hopes and dusty memories-
Remnants of broken dreams,
Each breath reminds me,
Eternal failures rediscovered;
I’m unable to escape shortcomings-
Fragments of who I used to be,
Scattered ashes cover
Three quarters of a year-
Whether I rise remains to be seen,
But I have to accept what will be.
I have a
bad habit of explaining my poetry, and I will continue that, but first, I’ll take you on a scary ride of how my train of thought ended up here. Hold on, it’s a twisty one 😯
This post was originally going to be to refer you to a post compiled by Eli Pacheco at Coach Daddy where he asked bloggers how they would upgrade themselves – in six words. (If you have some time, check it out… there were some great contributions. Mine is #46)… “accept what will be; no worries”. Hold this thought…
In the past month, I’ve had to say goodbye to two of my pets. First, my seventeen-year-old Yorkie-Poo, Bulwinquel. Then, a few days ago, I lost my beloved cat, Cybil. She was fifteen years old and had been in kidney failure for over a year.
When I started writing this poem, it was to deal with the grief of loss over my pets. Then my mind wandered a bit farther back, over the landscape of this year. I half-joke that I’m done with 2015, but I don’t think it’s done with me. This poem ended up being more about another loss I’ve been dealing with: in January, I made the decision to end my 18-year marriage. Until last week, we were living in the same house which has been… well, miserable.
I won’t go into details as to what led to this because I have kids who might happen upon my ramblings here someday. There were several factors involved, but one aspect, I wrote about last October in a poem that was particularly difficult to share. Sharing that poem forced me to see things I chose to ignore for years.
This brings me back to my six-word contribution and this poem. The death that trails behind me are my pets, my marriage, and the idea of what I thought my life would be eighteen years ago. I failed. I don’t like failing and stubbornly tried to deny this failure, but the first 3/4 of this year has been coming to terms with it. It’s a continuing process.
I have spent a lot of time thinking (obsessing, really) about things I have no control over. It’s a daily thing to remind myself not to worry about tomorrow and to instead, rely on faith. I have no idea what the future holds. I’ll find out when it gets here.
This isn’t supposed to be a depressing post. I’m okay really. I’m working on a photo-inspired story but was too busy to complete it for September as I had planned. I’m not going to jinx it by saying when I think it’ll be done. I’ll just leave it at “soon.” 🙂
Thanks for hanging on to this thought train. Now, relax and have a beautiful Thursday!