So I opened up my laptop Sunday afternoon to finally work on some fiction, only to discover something else I needed to say first. For days I’ve been trying to root out the cause of my anxiety. I traced it to several things, but all paths seem to lead me back to the moment I bought my ticket and climbed aboard the “more” train.
Let me explain a little. Not too much because this is a blog post, not a full autobiography (you can thank me later for skipping details!) Several years ago, I took my seat on the “more” train. I stretched my legs and settled in for what I expected would be a luxurious ride. I convinced myself that a bigger house would solve my problems. I believed a new location would bring contentment. I naively poured all my hope for a future into that move.
Sitting on the other side of the experience, I laugh at my naivety. The “more” train turned out to be a one-way trip to a miserable place where more is never enough. But I learned something… well, a few somethings, really: more house doesn’t make old problems go away, it just provides ample space for them to grow; a change of location doesn’t mean a clean slate; and more stuff doesn’t fill the emptiness inside someone.
The “more” train takes you right to the “more” monster. It is insatiable. The more you feed it, the more it wants. And it never gets full. EVER! The bigger house and the land wasn’t enough. New wants kept sneaking onto a never-ending list. Then came complaints about not having money (well, duh- it’s expensive to feed the “more” monster.)
I’m finding it’s also expensive to get out of the “more” monster’s clutches. For the first time in thirteen years, I have credit card debt and it’s increasing every month. I struggle with stress over whether I can escape without being completely buried in debt. I pray for peace in this regard, although I have no one to blame but myself.
I have faith that one day, I will be permitted to transfer to a different “more” train- the one that leads to more time with family and friends, more compassion, more kindness, more memories that I actually want to close my eyes and look back on. I want less tangible and more intangible. The currency of this “more” train is human interaction, not dollars.
I guess the point of this post is to urge anyone tempted by the lure of acquiring “more” stuff to don’t do it. I can’t stress that enough- DON’T DO IT! If you think that expensive handbag, the iPad, the Corvette, the new-latest-and-greatest-whatever will make your life better- it won’t. Sorry, but it’s the truth. Please, put your wallet away and spend some quiet time contemplating what’s missing inside.
Then, go visit a friend, or volunteer your time for a cause you care about, or just say “good morning” to a stranger and really mean it.
Have a beautiful Monday! (I sincerely mean that 🙂 )