on the brink of
forever losing my footing.
threatening to tumble
from the narrow plateau.
I curl up to absorb
the crushing blows;
the one-two punch-
I avert my gaze to hide
the mottled bruises inside.
I waver between
giving in and fighting back,
succumbing to weakness
or summoning strength;
I taunt the darkness…
I beg it to finally claim me,
yet dare it to set me free.
I’m not sure how much explanation this poem needs – it seems pretty straightforward to me… but then again, I wrote it 🙂 Here’s some background just in case:
I wrote this poem a couple months ago. After several months of not seeing hope or a reason to look forward to another day, I grew tired and frustrated. In the first verse, I’m balanced on the edge of darkness, in danger of being swallowed forever. It’s like a force was pushing me from behind and I did everything I could to not fall. In the second verse, I’m tired- beaten down by sadness and loneliness. My bruises are on the inside, so no one can see them but me. The third verse is the contemplation of whether to keep fighting the darkness or let it claim me.
This struggle has been very real and obviously, I’ve chosen to fight it. With the loss of 2 of my pets recently, I’ve had passing moments of darkness, but nothing like the total immersion I experienced for the first half of the year. Right now, I feel that little hope is good, but too much hope is a set up for disappointment. Perhaps the longer I’m in the light, the more I will trust that hope is more than just a mirage shimmering on my horizon.
Thanks for reading. I hope you have a beautiful Monday!
Your poem really reflects your state of sadness and depression. It seems like everything bad, sad and overwhelming all happen at the same time.
2015 has been one of those years where I have to believe next year will be better. I haven’t felt this bad emotionally since I was 15. It’s thrown me for a loop, but most days, I feel like I’m beating it.
You commented on my blog that you don’t have time to do your nails. I answered that you should paint your nails. It’s really good therapy and helps you feel better about yourself.
I haven’t painted my nails since I was in high school. I paint my toenails in the summer, though.
But after all you’ve been through, painting your nails would be wonderful therapy.
Dark foreboding explanation of loneliness. Hope and despair an after thought. sometimes it is wished to just end. then there is a small light that can be seen and it is good to focus on that light although at times it seems that the light goes away. The light will never go away, it will be there.
The light will be there… until the batteries run out 🙂 Sorry, my inner Eeyore is coming through! A little hope is sometimes enough to carry on until the weight just doesn’t feel so heavy. Thanks for reading, Sean.
Never let it claim you, Janna. Always look for the silver lining, always look for the light, in the simple things of every day life. They’re always there if you just look. Much love to you. xo
Thanks, Nurse Kelly. Sometimes the bad is so overwhelming, I’m blinded and unable to see the good. Fingers crossed I’m over the hurdle on this round 🙂
I hope so – wish you all the best! xo
It is hard not to let it claim you, especially in light of losing dear pets. HUGS. You write beautifully and express yourself so well! ♥
Thanks for your nice comment, Kathy. I appreciate you reading, and am always glad when you stop by 🙂
It’s so difficult when you think of succumbing, to letting the darkness have its way. I’ve had those moments, and they feel almost like the best option. And today, when I look back, I consider the bits of light i’ve seen since, and It convinces me I’ve done right by choosing to fight.
Yes, fighting is always the “right” option. I believe there is always more on the other side of whatever trial that we just can’t see. Thanks for sharing your comment, Eli.
I need a sticky note in a prominent place to remind me there is always more on the other side of whatever trial that we just cant’ see, Janna.
Sometimes it’s hard to see, or imagine, anything else when it’s pitch black around us. Good luck focusing on the “more”, Eli!
it’s true, Janna, for sure. See, those are the takeaways I hope come from this all, for you and for me. The more.
Seeing just below the surface.
Glad you’re still “up and swinging.” Hope the boys are handling all this change OK.
Thanks, Nancy. So far, they seem to be doing pretty good. Time will tell…
So beautiful it breaks my heart. You have such a rare talent of pouring your soul into your words. Hugs.
Thanks for reading, Mel. I appreciate the compliment… it is nice to know when something I write stirs emotions.
My pleasure 🙂
Janna, I’m in awe at your vulnerability here! You’re a true poet, my dear. I understand how things might appear dark right now, but please know the light is waiting to envelop you with peace and joy! What is it they say, It’s always darkest before the dawn. Yes, that’s so true. Hang in there and give your boys a big hug, knowing you’re all covered by prayer!
Thanks, Debbie. I’ve written some very dark stuff this year. (That’s why I haven’t added new posts that often – I don’t want to bring people down!) I appreciate your prayers and support. Although I haven’t met you, I consider you a friend 🙂
Hang in there, Janna….
Thanks, Sue. Hanging is easier these days (well most days, anyway). I appreciate you stopping by!
Please don’t let he darkness take you Janna. Believe that you are loved and supported by all your friends both in real life and in the blogosphere. Hugs from NZ.
Thanks for the support, Judith. It has been difficult, but most days I can find something to smile about now.
I’ve been there, Janna and know that things really do get better. Sometimes it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it is always there waiting for you. Some of the most traumatic things that have ever happened in my life have taken me on new paths that lead to wonderful things. I’m so glad you’re now more in the light than the darkness. Know you are loved xxxxx
Your comment gives hope, Dianne. I really don’t know what’s in store, but I do hope that one day I can look back and see that something good came of all the bad.
Thank you for sharing your poem, Janna. I think a lot of people will be able to relate to it and will appreciate your candor. Good vibes flowing your way. 🙂
Thanks, Anita – I appreciate you reading it. One reason I shared it is because I didn’t think I’m the only one who has felt this way.
You are better, stronger and more capable of banishing that dark than you know. I believe in you and I believe in light and hope to get you there.
With love and friendship. xo
I think we are made stronger through our trials. I am still weak, but getting stronger. I appreciate your kind words and support, Kir 🙂
I find it interesting that you wrote this poem a few months ago when you were in the depths of despair … yet you are sharing it now. Is it perhaps that you are signalling that you are finally ready to put the darkness behind you? It sounds like you’ve won 🙂
I don’t know if I’ve won yet, but most days are hopeful days, so I’ll take it 🙂 This is a poem I wouldn’t share at the time because it is quite personal and I really felt that if I shared it, it needed to be done at a different time, when I was in a different place.
I’m glad it’s two months past.. just putting it on your blog hopefully means that you have started to see some light.. just keep walking into the light and don’t seek the darkness..
Thanks for reading, Bjorn. I do feel more moments of peace, but the darkness still hangs around. In due time… 🙂
Raw grief seems to shroud one with a block-out shade. I remember the time you blogged about putting the special covering on the windows. It’s time to peel back a corner and let the light flow in and warm you and heal you from the inside out.
Wow, that was a log time ago, Patti 🙂 I prefer to more optimistic, so I hope that the worst has passed.
Paul tells us that hope that is seen is not hope. I’ve always been intrigued by that. Hope is a bit of a slippery virtue, sneaking up on us when we least expect it, and sneaking away when we plan on it. I can certainly identify with your reticence! All that being said, the poem is lovely and the photo stunning. Best to you…
Thanks, Allen. That is interesting- hope that is seen is not hope…. something to mull over.
I went through a dark period in my younger years that shattered me and crushed me. My heart goes out to you. I don’t think anyone that has not been there can imagine the depth of grief or the weight of regret or feel the pull of darkness that threatens to smother all hope. Yet, here I am, full of hope and happiness. God loves you. He will lift you high above it all, and you will soar like an eagle again. Blessings to you, Janna…
You are certainly an encouragement Carol Ann. You’ve been through a lot in the last several years and your faith has remained strong.
At the risk of being narccistic, to quote myself:
A bar of steel is of limited use
But if it endures flaming trials
And is pounded upon by adversity
It can shaped into many powerful things…
The temptation when we are fearful, frightened or sad is to escape; to lock ourselves in a monastery of self-imposed isolation. But the truth is that the ‘promise’ of safety behind the walls of the monastery are lies. We would be safe from some things, but we would be entirely alone too – which is not good for the sane of mind after a while.
That is true. Being isolated and lonely only increases the depth of the despair. I do think trials make us stronger and better able to cope with the next thing that life sends our way. Thanks for sharing your comment, Ben!
I too understand and pray that it frees you! Hold on!
Thanks, TDM. I have more better days than not, so I am hopeful
Dealing with a cloying darkness is exhausting (on top of the clump itself). Taunting is good. Make it suffer, too
Haha, your comment made me chuckle, Phil… the idea of making darkness suffer. Talk about turning the tables!