Flirting With Darkness

10-12 Lava Tube5

I’m submerged,
on the brink of
forever losing my footing.
Arms flailing,
body swaying…
threatening to tumble
from the narrow plateau.

I curl up to absorb
the crushing blows;
the one-two punch-
sadness aches,
loneliness paralyzes…
I avert my gaze to hide
the mottled bruises inside.

I waver between
giving in and fighting back,
succumbing to weakness
or summoning strength;
I taunt the darkness…
I beg it to finally claim me,
yet dare it to set me free.

~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-

I’m not sure how much explanation this poem needs – it seems pretty straightforward to me… but then again, I wrote it 🙂  Here’s some background just in case:

I wrote this poem a couple months ago.  After several months of not seeing hope or a reason to look forward to another day, I grew tired and frustrated.  In the first verse, I’m balanced on the edge of darkness, in danger of being swallowed forever.  It’s like a force was pushing me from behind and I did everything I could to not fall.  In the second verse, I’m tired- beaten down by sadness and loneliness.  My bruises are on the inside, so no one can see them but me.  The third verse is the contemplation of whether to keep fighting the darkness or let it claim me.

This struggle has been very real and obviously, I’ve chosen to fight it.  With the loss of 2 of my pets recently, I’ve had passing moments of darkness, but nothing like the total immersion I experienced for the first half of the year.  Right now, I feel that little hope is good, but too much hope is a set up for disappointment.  Perhaps the longer I’m in the light, the more I will trust that hope is more than just a mirage shimmering on my horizon.

Thanks for reading.  I hope you have a beautiful Monday!

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52 thoughts on “Flirting With Darkness

  1. Timothy Price October 12, 2015 / 6:43 AM

    Your poem really reflects your state of sadness and depression. It seems like everything bad, sad and overwhelming all happen at the same time.

    • jannatwrites October 20, 2015 / 10:24 PM

      2015 has been one of those years where I have to believe next year will be better. I haven’t felt this bad emotionally since I was 15. It’s thrown me for a loop, but most days, I feel like I’m beating it.

      • Timothy Price October 21, 2015 / 5:57 AM

        You commented on my blog that you don’t have time to do your nails. I answered that you should paint your nails. It’s really good therapy and helps you feel better about yourself.

        • jannatwrites October 25, 2015 / 8:44 AM

          I haven’t painted my nails since I was in high school. I paint my toenails in the summer, though.

        • Timothy Price October 25, 2015 / 9:42 AM

          But after all you’ve been through, painting your nails would be wonderful therapy.

  2. Sean October 12, 2015 / 7:04 AM

    Dark foreboding explanation of loneliness. Hope and despair an after thought. sometimes it is wished to just end. then there is a small light that can be seen and it is good to focus on that light although at times it seems that the light goes away. The light will never go away, it will be there.

    • jannatwrites October 20, 2015 / 10:26 PM

      The light will be there… until the batteries run out 🙂 Sorry, my inner Eeyore is coming through! A little hope is sometimes enough to carry on until the weight just doesn’t feel so heavy. Thanks for reading, Sean.

  3. Nurse Kelly October 12, 2015 / 7:16 AM

    Never let it claim you, Janna. Always look for the silver lining, always look for the light, in the simple things of every day life. They’re always there if you just look. Much love to you. xo

    • jannatwrites October 20, 2015 / 10:27 PM

      Thanks, Nurse Kelly. Sometimes the bad is so overwhelming, I’m blinded and unable to see the good. Fingers crossed I’m over the hurdle on this round 🙂

      • Nurse Kelly October 26, 2015 / 4:10 AM

        I hope so – wish you all the best! xo

  4. Kathy Combs (@KathyCombs16) October 12, 2015 / 8:33 AM

    It is hard not to let it claim you, especially in light of losing dear pets. HUGS. You write beautifully and express yourself so well! ♥

    • jannatwrites October 20, 2015 / 10:28 PM

      Thanks for your nice comment, Kathy. I appreciate you reading, and am always glad when you stop by 🙂

  5. Eli Pacheco October 12, 2015 / 9:56 AM

    It’s so difficult when you think of succumbing, to letting the darkness have its way. I’ve had those moments, and they feel almost like the best option. And today, when I look back, I consider the bits of light i’ve seen since, and It convinces me I’ve done right by choosing to fight.

    • jannatwrites October 20, 2015 / 10:29 PM

      Yes, fighting is always the “right” option. I believe there is always more on the other side of whatever trial that we just can’t see. Thanks for sharing your comment, Eli.

      • Eli Pacheco October 21, 2015 / 6:51 AM

        I need a sticky note in a prominent place to remind me there is always more on the other side of whatever trial that we just cant’ see, Janna.

        • jannatwrites October 25, 2015 / 8:45 AM

          Sometimes it’s hard to see, or imagine, anything else when it’s pitch black around us. Good luck focusing on the “more”, Eli!

        • Eli Pacheco October 27, 2015 / 6:39 AM

          it’s true, Janna, for sure. See, those are the takeaways I hope come from this all, for you and for me. The more.

          Seeing just below the surface.

  6. nrhatch October 12, 2015 / 11:46 AM

    Glad you’re still “up and swinging.” Hope the boys are handling all this change OK.

    • jannatwrites October 20, 2015 / 10:30 PM

      Thanks, Nancy. So far, they seem to be doing pretty good. Time will tell…

  7. mbarkersimpson October 12, 2015 / 12:41 PM

    So beautiful it breaks my heart. You have such a rare talent of pouring your soul into your words. Hugs.

    • jannatwrites October 20, 2015 / 10:31 PM

      Thanks for reading, Mel. I appreciate the compliment… it is nice to know when something I write stirs emotions.

  8. Debbie October 12, 2015 / 12:56 PM

    Janna, I’m in awe at your vulnerability here! You’re a true poet, my dear. I understand how things might appear dark right now, but please know the light is waiting to envelop you with peace and joy! What is it they say, It’s always darkest before the dawn. Yes, that’s so true. Hang in there and give your boys a big hug, knowing you’re all covered by prayer!

    • jannatwrites October 20, 2015 / 10:35 PM

      Thanks, Debbie. I’ve written some very dark stuff this year. (That’s why I haven’t added new posts that often – I don’t want to bring people down!) I appreciate your prayers and support. Although I haven’t met you, I consider you a friend 🙂

  9. Sue October 12, 2015 / 1:57 PM

    Hang in there, Janna….

    • jannatwrites October 20, 2015 / 10:35 PM

      Thanks, Sue. Hanging is easier these days (well most days, anyway). I appreciate you stopping by!

  10. judithhb October 12, 2015 / 2:57 PM

    Please don’t let he darkness take you Janna. Believe that you are loved and supported by all your friends both in real life and in the blogosphere. Hugs from NZ.

    • jannatwrites October 20, 2015 / 10:37 PM

      Thanks for the support, Judith. It has been difficult, but most days I can find something to smile about now.

  11. diannegray October 12, 2015 / 6:05 PM

    I’ve been there, Janna and know that things really do get better. Sometimes it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it is always there waiting for you. Some of the most traumatic things that have ever happened in my life have taken me on new paths that lead to wonderful things. I’m so glad you’re now more in the light than the darkness. Know you are loved xxxxx

    • jannatwrites October 20, 2015 / 10:40 PM

      Your comment gives hope, Dianne. I really don’t know what’s in store, but I do hope that one day I can look back and see that something good came of all the bad.

  12. Anita Kushwaha October 13, 2015 / 7:34 AM

    Thank you for sharing your poem, Janna. I think a lot of people will be able to relate to it and will appreciate your candor. Good vibes flowing your way. 🙂

    • jannatwrites October 20, 2015 / 10:40 PM

      Thanks, Anita – I appreciate you reading it. One reason I shared it is because I didn’t think I’m the only one who has felt this way.

      • Anita Kushwaha October 21, 2015 / 6:16 AM

        Definitely! 🙂

  13. Kir Piccini October 13, 2015 / 9:17 AM

    You are better, stronger and more capable of banishing that dark than you know. I believe in you and I believe in light and hope to get you there.
    With love and friendship. xo

    • jannatwrites October 20, 2015 / 10:43 PM

      I think we are made stronger through our trials. I am still weak, but getting stronger. I appreciate your kind words and support, Kir 🙂

  14. joannesisco October 13, 2015 / 12:23 PM

    I find it interesting that you wrote this poem a few months ago when you were in the depths of despair … yet you are sharing it now. Is it perhaps that you are signalling that you are finally ready to put the darkness behind you? It sounds like you’ve won 🙂

    • jannatwrites October 20, 2015 / 10:46 PM

      I don’t know if I’ve won yet, but most days are hopeful days, so I’ll take it 🙂 This is a poem I wouldn’t share at the time because it is quite personal and I really felt that if I shared it, it needed to be done at a different time, when I was in a different place.

  15. Björn Rudberg (brudberg) October 14, 2015 / 7:21 AM

    I’m glad it’s two months past.. just putting it on your blog hopefully means that you have started to see some light.. just keep walking into the light and don’t seek the darkness..

    • jannatwrites October 20, 2015 / 10:47 PM

      Thanks for reading, Bjorn. I do feel more moments of peace, but the darkness still hangs around. In due time… 🙂

  16. pattisj October 14, 2015 / 10:16 PM

    Raw grief seems to shroud one with a block-out shade. I remember the time you blogged about putting the special covering on the windows. It’s time to peel back a corner and let the light flow in and warm you and heal you from the inside out.

    • jannatwrites October 20, 2015 / 10:49 PM

      Wow, that was a log time ago, Patti 🙂 I prefer to more optimistic, so I hope that the worst has passed.

  17. agjorgenson October 15, 2015 / 4:25 PM

    Paul tells us that hope that is seen is not hope. I’ve always been intrigued by that. Hope is a bit of a slippery virtue, sneaking up on us when we least expect it, and sneaking away when we plan on it. I can certainly identify with your reticence! All that being said, the poem is lovely and the photo stunning. Best to you…

    • jannatwrites October 20, 2015 / 10:51 PM

      Thanks, Allen. That is interesting- hope that is seen is not hope…. something to mull over.

  18. Carol Ann Hoel October 16, 2015 / 11:07 AM

    I went through a dark period in my younger years that shattered me and crushed me. My heart goes out to you. I don’t think anyone that has not been there can imagine the depth of grief or the weight of regret or feel the pull of darkness that threatens to smother all hope. Yet, here I am, full of hope and happiness. God loves you. He will lift you high above it all, and you will soar like an eagle again. Blessings to you, Janna…

    • jannatwrites October 20, 2015 / 10:53 PM

      You are certainly an encouragement Carol Ann. You’ve been through a lot in the last several years and your faith has remained strong.

  19. Ben Ezard October 17, 2015 / 7:53 PM

    At the risk of being narccistic, to quote myself:
    A bar of steel is of limited use
    But if it endures flaming trials
    And is pounded upon by adversity
    It can shaped into many powerful things…

    The temptation when we are fearful, frightened or sad is to escape; to lock ourselves in a monastery of self-imposed isolation. But the truth is that the ‘promise’ of safety behind the walls of the monastery are lies. We would be safe from some things, but we would be entirely alone too – which is not good for the sane of mind after a while.

    • jannatwrites October 20, 2015 / 10:56 PM

      That is true. Being isolated and lonely only increases the depth of the despair. I do think trials make us stronger and better able to cope with the next thing that life sends our way. Thanks for sharing your comment, Ben!

  20. the dune mouse October 19, 2015 / 10:11 AM

    I too understand and pray that it frees you! Hold on!

  21. philosophermouseofthehedge October 19, 2015 / 2:50 PM

    Dealing with a cloying darkness is exhausting (on top of the clump itself). Taunting is good. Make it suffer, too

  22. jannatwrites October 20, 2015 / 10:58 PM

    Haha, your comment made me chuckle, Phil… the idea of making darkness suffer. Talk about turning the tables!

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