The Problem With Darkness

I took this photo on July 4 - the first creative photo I've taken  in several months
I took this photo on July 4 – the first creative photo I’ve taken in several months

 

Darkness settles…

a heavy burden,

a shroud over hope:

the absence of all emotion.

Darkness lies…

taunting whispers,

deafening in my ears:

misery is all there is.

Darkness defies…

disobeys rules of logic,

world turns upside down:

death rules over life.

Darkness distorts…

a faded mirage,

an alternate reality:

coercing me to believe.

The problem with darkness

is that until light streams through,

I accept counterfeit promises:

I’m blind to hope- my sustaining well of truth.

~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-

This poem came to me while cooking dinner this evening.  I’ve limited my posting for several months now.  I am generally a positive person, so this extended period of darkness has taken a toll on me.  Recently though, I’ve started to see some rays of light cutting through the pitch-black.  When not submerged in the overwhelming nothingness, I am able to have moments where I believe that what is now will not always be.  That’s what this poem is:  acknowledging how this darkness has bound me, and being able to recognize that hope is freeing.  I’m not quite “me” yet, but am finally approaching a place where I can write honestly, and yet keep this an encouraging space.

I am woefully behind on reading blogs, but am catching up a little each day.  Thank you so much to everyone who has continued to read my sporadic posts, prayed for me, and have sent ‘good thoughts’ my way.  This darkness would be a lot darker without you 🙂

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64 thoughts on “The Problem With Darkness

  1. pattisj July 21, 2015 / 10:26 PM

    Your spark of creativity still shines through.

    • jannatwrites July 21, 2015 / 11:01 PM

      Thanks, Patti. I haven’t been very creative for a while, but am hoping to get there soon 🙂

      • pattisj July 21, 2015 / 11:07 PM

        It sounds like you’re on your way.

        • jannatwrites July 27, 2015 / 10:45 PM

          Some days are better than others, Patti 🙂

        • pattisj July 28, 2015 / 6:06 AM

          Thankfully, there are better days. 🙂

        • jannatwrites August 6, 2015 / 10:21 PM

          Could use more of them lately, haha 🙂

  2. Timothy Price July 21, 2015 / 10:39 PM

    Love the photo! I think of you often, Janna, and pray that you find happiness.

    • jannatwrites July 21, 2015 / 11:04 PM

      Thanks, Timothy! I caught sight of the tree as we were walking back to the car after a hike. I got down low to the ground to get more of the dark clouds in the shot…I haven’t noticed anything to photograph for months so I’m hoping that maybe it’s the start of finding “me” again. Happiness is a lofty goal, that I hope to experience someday, but for now, I’m going for accepting what is. and feeling peace rather than anxiety 🙂 I appreciate your thoughts and prayers!

  3. the dune mouse July 21, 2015 / 11:14 PM

    there is a shining through!! I hope the healing has begun. A wonderful tree- bare of leaves but reaching!!

    • jannatwrites July 27, 2015 / 10:47 PM

      Thanks, TDM! I do hope for better days and see glimpses of it which is better than it has been.

  4. nrhatch July 22, 2015 / 6:08 AM

    Repeat after me: “This . . . too . . . shall . . . pass.” Peace!

    • jannatwrites July 27, 2015 / 10:48 PM

      Thanks, Nancy! I will be lucky to have some semblance of me by the end of the year, but on the bright side… next year has to be better 🙂

  5. Tessa July 22, 2015 / 7:10 AM

    Janna I love the poem and am praying for you. There is some spark of peace in there, but still seems very dark and depressing. I hope you well in your life and that things turn around soon. ❤

    • jannatwrites July 27, 2015 / 10:49 PM

      Thanks for the prayers, Tessa. I would say only about 80% of my time is “dark”. This is an improvement, so I’m hoping the trend continues. You have been on my mind and in my prayers tonight as well. Am hoping tomorrow is better for you.

      • Tessa July 30, 2015 / 2:31 PM

        I am doing a little better Janna. My pain level is about a 9 now. So it has come down a little bit. I had a long talk with the chiropractor about the pain and ended up crying again. I haven’t cried this much in all of last year. New regimen and new natural med which actually makes me sleep better and uppage of many vitamins and adding some, plus time off to heal some. Will re-evaluate Friday morning. Have a great weekend. And God Bless You and your family!

        • jannatwrites August 6, 2015 / 10:46 PM

          A pain level of 9 being better… wow, things are tough for you at the moment, Tessa. I do hope things ease up and settle down for you with the changes you’ve made. I hope you have a wonderful Friday and weekend 🙂

        • Tessa August 7, 2015 / 9:49 PM

          Thanks and same to you. I am about a 7 pain level now.Not quite as bad.Have a great weekend.

        • jannatwrites August 10, 2015 / 12:56 AM

          Thanks, Tessa… good to hear the pain is down a bit. Here’s hoping it continues to decline 🙂

  6. Kir Piccini July 22, 2015 / 7:59 AM

    I think of you daily, try to send good thoughts that will lift that darkness. I know how it feels and for the past few years have felt it myself (as you can see by my lack of posting too) but I hopeful for the light, for both of us. Please know you mean a great deal to me and I am here if you need me.

    • jannatwrites July 27, 2015 / 10:51 PM

      Thanks for the sweet comment, Kir. I hope you do find the light as well. It’s so hard to get out of it once immersed in it.

      • Kir Piccini July 28, 2015 / 7:25 AM

        I’m thinking of you Janna. If you need a friend or a shoulder I’m only an email away. HUG.

        • jannatwrites August 6, 2015 / 10:22 PM

          Thanks for the kind comment, Kir. I really do appreciate it 🙂

  7. Debbie July 22, 2015 / 10:51 AM

    What is it they say, Janna? If not for the darkness, we’d never see stars! Hang in there, my friend. I’m still praying, and sending good thoughts and positive vibrations your way. You’ll emerge from this stronger than even you can imagine. I hope you’ve kept a journal (I didn’t!!) or a stack of writings from this time, for you’ll one day look back and be amazed!

    • jannatwrites July 27, 2015 / 10:53 PM

      I appreciate the prayers, Debbie. I had a little setback on hope, but am still focused on getting through this. I do have a journal (already filled one notebook and have started on another) but I imagine I will destroy them at some point. They contain so many bad feelings. I plan to retain the poetry even though most of it will remain unread by anyone but me.

  8. mbarkersimpson July 22, 2015 / 11:04 AM

    The poem is breathtaking – deeply moving. I’m sending you tons of positive light to help you fight back the darkness. You are in my thoughts. Hugs ❤

    • jannatwrites July 27, 2015 / 10:54 PM

      Thanks so much, Mel! Some days are better than others, but I do have some hope for better days, so I’ll take it 🙂

  9. diannegray July 22, 2015 / 2:00 PM

    This is a great photo and I love the poem, Janna 😀

    My favourite saying is – this too shall pass…. xxxxx

    • jannatwrites July 27, 2015 / 10:55 PM

      Thanks, Dianne! I am behind in reading but I know you have a couple (or more) posts… I will read them, I’m just really far behind! Glad you stopped by 🙂

  10. Emilio Pasquale July 22, 2015 / 2:53 PM

    Janna, just take everything that everyone else has said to you in these comments and put my name to them because we all feel the same way for you. We are all crying that someone, anyone, has to go what you are going through now. And I’m so surprised, for one, that you actually found the strength to create such a moving tribute to your darkness. What I would love for you to do is to create a revenge fantasy right now with one of your twists. Please? What is the last photo I sent you for inspiration? Use that as your starting point and then just go wherever your thoughts take you! Maybe it will be the best form of therapy! Maybe you will see light!

    • jannatwrites July 27, 2015 / 10:57 PM

      This was an awesome comment, Emilio – thank you! Funny you mention the revenge story… the one I started for the May photo you sent me is kind of like that. I’m feeling a bit inspired to get back into that one. It’s been one of those days and I think I should really take it out in writing, haha! The photo was of a canal boat, by the way.

      • Emilio Pasquale July 28, 2015 / 2:34 PM

        A drowning in one of the canals, perhaps? Accidental, of course.

        • jannatwrites August 6, 2015 / 10:36 PM

          Possibly something like that… possibly not 🙂 Life isn’t cooperating, so I’ve not written for a couple weeks 😦

        • Emilio Pasquale August 7, 2015 / 1:24 PM

          When the time is right, write. (I just made that up. Cute, no?)

        • jannatwrites August 10, 2015 / 12:55 AM

          Haha, that made me smile, Emilio. I haven’t finished that story yet… it’s frustrating because I want to but life (both personal and work) aren’t cooperating. I will try my hand at patience here, though historically, patience is something I lack!

        • Emilio Pasquale August 10, 2015 / 11:30 AM

          I see you’ve posted something. Finally. I read it this morning but didn’t have the time to comment so I’ll get over there now.

        • jannatwrites August 15, 2015 / 10:47 PM

          Thanks, Emilio. I’m hoping to work more on the story for your May photo tonight and tomorrow. We’ll see if life cooperates or not!

        • Emilio Pasquale August 17, 2015 / 10:51 AM

          Life doesn’t cooperate even for those of us who are not distracted by major life events. OK, I have been distracted by work and play. Is that a good enough excuse to not visit you? I think not. But I am glad you are not holding it against me and look forward to reading what you come up with WHENEVER you come up with something. No pressure here. 🙂

        • jannatwrites August 20, 2015 / 9:07 PM

          Yeah, life is not into cooperation, Emilio. Every time I’ve sat down to work on this story, I’ve fallen asleep because I’m just tired. Trying to be patient, but that’s not really a strong suit of mine 🙂 Good for you for being able to get some play in there so it’s not all work. I appreciate you stopping by when you can, but I do understand that life is meant to be lived!

        • Emilio Pasquale August 21, 2015 / 10:52 AM

          Yes, life is meant to be lived. But I understand being that tired, too. Just take small steps.

  11. suzicate July 22, 2015 / 5:31 PM

    Darkness defies…disobeys rules of logic-I recognize this as I’ve been in that place before. You’re right when we realize these things, it’s a sign hope is in the air.

    • jannatwrites July 27, 2015 / 10:57 PM

      Thanks, Suzicate – It’s good to know that someone can relate to the lies of darkness… but in another way, I wish that no one felt it, if that makes sense.

  12. EagleAye July 22, 2015 / 6:02 PM

    All your poems are so powerful, Janna. This one reaches into the guts and pulls hard. Terrific work!

    • jannatwrites July 27, 2015 / 10:58 PM

      Thanks for reading, EagleAye. I think I’m ready to tackle some fiction… it’s been a while 🙂

      • EagleAye July 28, 2015 / 7:22 AM

        Awesome! Looking forward to that. 🙂

  13. Sean July 23, 2015 / 7:25 AM

    although this is dark reflecting a time in your life, it is good to see that there is a little light shining through. I do believe that over time, that light will grow and you will find happiness again. It is good to see you are writing some again as this is a passion for you.

    • jannatwrites July 27, 2015 / 11:00 PM

      Thanks for the nice comment, Sean! Writing is a little, but not nearly as much as I used to. In time, I expect I will find “me” again 🙂

  14. Nurse Kelly July 23, 2015 / 7:36 AM

    Your honesty with your trials is indeed encouraging to others. You are not alone. Sending thoughts filled with light and love your way – and a big hug, too. Your poem here is beautiful.

    • jannatwrites July 27, 2015 / 11:01 PM

      Thanks for the support, Nurse Kelly. I have tried to keep specifics out of my writing, but I know we all go through trials, so I was hoping the emotions were something others could relate to.

      • Nurse Kelly July 28, 2015 / 3:35 AM

        You’re welcome, Janna. I often feel the same way. Hope you know I’m thinking about you and wish you well. xo

        • jannatwrites August 6, 2015 / 10:20 PM

          Thanks so much, Nurse Kelly 🙂

  15. GodGirl July 24, 2015 / 9:42 PM

    Sending you love, prayers and hugs, Janna. The darkness will not have the final word. Hang in there x

    • jannatwrites July 27, 2015 / 11:03 PM

      I appreciate the prayers and support, God Girl. I am tired, but am still fighting it. Am waiting for the time where there are more light moments than dark ones and more smiles than tears.

  16. agjorgenson July 26, 2015 / 5:59 PM

    Thanks for sharing this with us, and I am so very glad to hear of the slivers of light. Hope often – if not always – comes to us, or me anyways, unawares.

    • jannatwrites July 27, 2015 / 11:04 PM

      I appreciate you reading, Allen. Hope is essential to living, I think. Without hope, it’s hard to see the point of living.

  17. Leigh W. Smith July 29, 2015 / 10:02 AM

    It’s difficult to know how best to respond to this, Janna, other than to offer heartfelt encouragements while hoping they don’t sound like mindless platitudes. I’m happy to hear you’re approaching yourself–albeit a different self, a much stronger self, I’m sure–and able to be creative, too. I hope you are also able to ‘get away’ for some ‘me’ time, whether that’s hiking or some sort of exercise or art or music/entertainment or something else entirely. During my darkest times, I have to nudge, kick, and pull myself into being active (mentally, physically, etc.), regardless of my mood, knowing that good feelings will probably arise afterward, even if only fleeting, so please consider this an online friend’s gentle nudge to you. Best wishes to you, always!

    • jannatwrites August 6, 2015 / 10:44 PM

      Thanks for the thoughtful comment, Leigh. I did have a few hopeful days but have experienced some setbacks since then. I am exhausted and my concentration is non-existent, making it difficult for me to do my paying day job, never mind trying to write a coherent piece of writing! I know what you mean about it being an active nudging to get moving. I appreciate the nudge from you. I’m frustrated with the way things are because I miss writing. I have had some ideas for writing, but I can’t focus. Every time I think I’m close to some kind of resolution, there is another delay.

  18. kathy29156 July 29, 2015 / 10:05 AM

    WOW, you captured the essence of darkness perfectly. Brilliant!

    • jannatwrites August 6, 2015 / 10:45 PM

      Thanks so much for reading, Kathy. This one was easy to write because darkness has been keeping me company a lot lately 🙂

  19. priyankasangani August 9, 2015 / 6:21 PM

    This put in words exactly what I’ve feeling over the past week. Whenever I feel smothered by it, I tell myself that it is only negativity that I’m accepting on behalf of someone. That each time that I’ve wished someone well and offered to help out in any way I could, it got rainchecked. And this darkness is that negativity that I’m helping keep out of someone else’s life. That brings color enough to keep me hoping through it. I don’t know why you are going through this, but believe that you are making things lighter for someone else.
    Believe that there’s always hope!
    Also, if it means anything, this darkness seems to have brought out creativity, albeit different, in your writing!

    • jannatwrites August 10, 2015 / 12:59 AM

      That is an interesting way to look at it… like taking on the burden so someone else doesn’t have to. That does give a sense of purpose to it. I know the cause of my darkness… it’s mostly situational and is a result of choices I’ve made. The darkness is so much more bearable when we have hope to cling to, priyankasangani. Thanks so much for stopping by, reading, and sharing your thoughtful comment.

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