Rain

The clap of thunder woke Darlene with a start.  Pictures rattled on the wall and lightning flashes cast eerie shadows across the room.  She turned to check the clock:  1:15 AM.  The fiercest monsoons often rolled through the city in the middle of the night, but Darlene’s nerves couldn’t handle the jostling.

Darlene had been on edge for the three weeks since she fled her burned out cabin and left her father’s ex-business partner, Jeff, for the police.  She still scanned online local news sites and faithfully watched the 9 o’clock news, but still saw nothing about him.  Wouldn’t the live capture of a man dead for eight years be a big deal?

In her heart, Darlene knew:  somehow, Jeff had eluded the police.  She thought for sure him being twenty-five years her senior, with wrists bound by a shoelace, that he couldn’t have gotten far.  A week after she let him live, she came home to a disheveled office and a black shoelace on her living room floor.  It didn’t take a detective to figure out Jeff left it on purpose.  That’s when Darlene understood she underestimated the will of a man with secrets to keep.

Darlene shuddered as thunder shook her house again and fat raindrops pelted her window.  She sat up in bed and her heart thumped faster when she heard banging at her front door.  Her unease heightened when she realized it was the screen door being blown by the wind.  She always kept it locked.  Her mind amplified every noise, and terrifying scenarios began to rain down on her like dollar bills in a strip club.

Lightning illuminated a figure several feet away.  She blinked, thinking her imagination went too far.  Before she could scream, a gloved hand clapped over her mouth.  Hot breath tickled her ear.  Darlene shivered despite the perspiration on her skin.

“You have something that doesn’t belong to you,” the intruder said in a hoarse whisper.

~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-

TrifectaPicture11-1This is my response to the Trifecta weekly challenge, which is to write a 33 to 333-word response (mine is 325) using the following word/definition:

RAIN (transitive verb):  to take a lot of money in bill form and toss it up in the air. This is most effectively done at a strip club for the effect of raining one dollar bills on the dancers (and it makes them feel so pretty), or to snub a hater by throwing money into their face that then falls to the floor like rain (use this when paying a debt to a punk bitch who keeps asking for their money to the point that they are ruining your friendship or when dumping someone who has been bankrolling you for a while now that you’re making money).

~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-

This continues Darlene’s story (if you haven’t read the other parts and are curious about what has transpired so far, here are the links:)

First Part (Dead Flowers)   Second Part (Investigation)    Third Part (Unknown Path)

Fourth Part (Missing)    Fifth Part (Facing Memories)   Sixth Part (Hunted or Hunter?)

Seventh Part (Indecision)     Eighth Part (Ties That Bind)    Ninth Part (Skeletons)

Tenth Part (Truth or Lies)

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69 thoughts on “Rain

  1. Lance April 1, 2013 / 4:05 PM

    all I read was strip club..

    kidding. I like how the story moves. Those first four lines set a great tone. well done, j

    • jannatwrites April 1, 2013 / 10:48 PM

      Yeah, it’s like those words are in bold, right? 🙂 Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts on the story, Lance!

  2. Michael April 1, 2013 / 4:13 PM

    Ah, a dramatic cliffhanger. Very nice. And the strip club simile really added some pizzazz to the story, I think. 😛

    • jannatwrites April 1, 2013 / 10:50 PM

      Glad you liked that part, Michael! I wanted to take the story further, but I ran out of words. Oh well, that’s right on track for how this story is going 🙂

  3. Imelda April 1, 2013 / 5:25 PM

    I look forward to the next notice in my inbox. 🙂 The weather is a nice backdrop for the suspense you are weaving. 🙂

    • jannatwrites April 1, 2013 / 10:51 PM

      Thanks, Imelda! This story is becoming more complicated than I originally expected. I appreciate you following along.

  4. nrhatch April 1, 2013 / 6:46 PM

    Fantastic, Janna. You’re doing a stellar job with this story.

    • nrhatch April 1, 2013 / 6:47 PM

      Love the internal “rain” in the midst of the thunder and rain.

      • jannatwrites April 1, 2013 / 10:55 PM

        I wish I could say that was intentional, but I didn’t see that until I was reviewing it before posting.

    • jannatwrites April 1, 2013 / 10:54 PM

      I appreciate you following along, Nancy!

  5. Eric Alagan April 1, 2013 / 6:52 PM

    I might be wrong but why do I get the feeling the “intruder” is not Jeff.

    I’ll simply wait for the next episode 🙂

    • jannatwrites April 1, 2013 / 10:56 PM

      Interesting comment, Eric! I did leave it a bit open because I’m debating about who is in her room. Thanks for continuing to follow the story!

  6. steph April 1, 2013 / 7:58 PM

    Oh yeah… great continuation and great use of the prompt. Terrific action in each 333 word segment. This is a book, a real page-turner.

    • jannatwrites April 1, 2013 / 10:57 PM

      I’m so glad it’s keeping your interest, Steph. The hardest part is trying to make stand alone stories for the prompt but still continue the overall story. I hope I don’t lose people here.

  7. pattisj April 1, 2013 / 8:34 PM

    The plot thickens…

  8. Widdershins April 1, 2013 / 9:59 PM

    “dollar bills in a strip club” … perfect imagery!

  9. Draug419 April 1, 2013 / 9:59 PM

    Jeff seems to be quite resourceful. Now is the creeper him, or someone else…?

    This is getting so good.

    • jannatwrites April 1, 2013 / 10:59 PM

      Thanks, Draug! I do appreciate you continuing to follow along and sharing your thoughts.

  10. judithhb April 2, 2013 / 2:09 AM

    Am catching up again so now have to go back and re-read all the other parts, I had never thought of dollar bills in a strip club before – but now I see it.

  11. ramblingsfromamum April 2, 2013 / 2:57 AM

    Quite resourceful being able to include the word prompts into this continuation, I don’t think you will lose readers, you are doing an excellent job at staying true to the story line whilst including the prompts.

    • jannatwrites April 2, 2013 / 11:55 PM

      Thanks for your support and continuing to follow the story, Ramblings. I do hope to keep things interesting 🙂

    • jannatwrites April 2, 2013 / 11:57 PM

      Thanks so much, Bjorn – I appreciate you keeping up with the story!

  12. KymmInBarcelona April 2, 2013 / 6:54 AM

    Ahhahaha like dollar bills in a strip club. I lol’d.
    Intruder can’t be Jeff.

    • jannatwrites April 2, 2013 / 11:57 PM

      Well, maybe it is…maybe it isn’t, Kymm. (That’s not me being coy…I really don’t know yet :))

  13. Debbie April 2, 2013 / 8:09 AM

    Poor Darlene — I knew she should have taken care of Jeff when she had the chance, ha! Now, he (or some other villain) is threatening her with more aggravation. You’re sure weaving an interesting story, Janna — keep up the good work!

    • jannatwrites April 2, 2013 / 11:59 PM

      Haha! It’s easy to urge someone else to pull the trigger 🙂 Things are certainly getting messy for Darlene. Thanks, Debbie, for continuing to check in to see how I torture Darlene.

  14. Valerie April 2, 2013 / 10:52 AM

    I’m leaving the lights on tonight after reading this-and hoping it doesn’t rain here! I had bad feelings about Jeff when I read this line…”That’s when Darlene understood she underestimated the will of a man with secrets to keep.” Chills! And great writing too!

    • jannatwrites April 3, 2013 / 12:00 AM

      I’m hoping for clear skies as well, Valerie! (Luckily, in my neck of the woods, monsoons don’t generally start until mid-June.)

  15. lumdog (@lumdog2012) April 2, 2013 / 1:16 PM

    Great suspense writing from the screen door to the warm tickle in her ear. This just gets better and better, or did I say that last week? anyway, it’s true. Keep going. Please.

    • jannatwrites April 3, 2013 / 12:01 AM

      Your comment made me smile, Lumdog. Thanks for following the story…I will continue it until there is some sort of closure because it would be mean (annoying) to leave it hanging!

  16. atrm61 April 2, 2013 / 2:46 PM

    Janna,this is one of your very best-you outdid yourself!Loved how you created the atmosphere right from the first sentence & ended it on such a tense note-it sent shivers down my spine!Also loved the way you used the prompt so beautifully:-)

    • jannatwrites April 3, 2013 / 12:03 AM

      Thanks, Atreyee! Things don’t look good for Darlene right now 🙂

      • atrm61 April 3, 2013 / 12:14 AM

        Ha!ha!The protagonist cannot have it all on a platter,no?

        • jannatwrites April 4, 2013 / 6:02 AM

          Yeah, that would be way too easy! She’ll have to get a break sometime, though 🙂

        • atrm61 April 4, 2013 / 1:40 PM

          Ha!ha!So true:-)

  17. Kelly Garriott Waite (@kgwaite) April 3, 2013 / 6:35 AM

    I like the detail of the shoelace he left behind as a warning. And of course you’ve got me wondering who the intruder is? Jeff or another new character?

    • jannatwrites April 4, 2013 / 6:10 AM

      Thanks for coming back to read this part if the story, Kelly. The intruder’s identity will have to come later 🙂

  18. Sam Edge, Writer April 3, 2013 / 9:13 AM

    Well written Janna enough to follow the story but leaving me with so many questions.

    • jannatwrites April 4, 2013 / 6:13 AM

      I do wish I didn’t leave quite so many questions, but with only 333 words, I don’t have much choice 🙂 Glad you are continuing to follow the story, Sam!

  19. diannegray April 3, 2013 / 2:42 PM

    YIKES – poor Darlene! This is a very ‘edge-of-the-seat’ scene, Janna 😯

    • jannatwrites April 4, 2013 / 6:16 AM

      I’d hoped the creepiness came through, Dianne. Glad you hung on through this piece 🙂

    • jannatwrites April 4, 2013 / 6:17 AM

      Thanks, Phil! I think pelted is pretty cool, too 🙂

    • jannatwrites April 4, 2013 / 6:19 AM

      I’m so glad you are liking the story, Renee! I hope you check back next prompt to see what happens next.

  20. Brian Benoit April 3, 2013 / 6:35 PM

    I love the continuation! And I felt like you did an especially good job giving us a little glimpse of what’s going on in her mind, her thought process, and then bringing us seamlessly back to the scene with the rain and thunder. Nice

    • jannatwrites April 4, 2013 / 6:22 AM

      Thanks for taking the time to share your reaction to the story and what you liked about it, Brian! I’m glad it seems to be working 🙂

  21. Renada Styles April 3, 2013 / 10:13 PM

    geh! i hate cliff hangars! that was the most enthralling piece i’ve read in a while. i was wrapped in my blanket reading with wide eyes!

    • jannatwrites April 4, 2013 / 6:24 AM

      Haha…yep, cliffhangers are pretty mean 🙂 I’m glad you were able to get into the scene and feel the fear, Renada.

  22. ann bennett April 4, 2013 / 5:42 AM

    I’ll need to go back and read earlier parts of the story. I love the rain imagery.

    • jannatwrites April 4, 2013 / 6:26 AM

      I’m glad you liked it, Ann. I appreciate you reading it. With it being string out over several weeks, it can be difficult to keep up.

  23. Bee April 4, 2013 / 6:09 AM

    Oh no! You’ve made Darlene’s life a living hell lol — in a good way! I totally would have been freaked out if I found that shoelace in my house.

    • jannatwrites April 4, 2013 / 6:28 AM

      Yeah, the shoelace would’ve unnerved me, too. I get myself all freaked out in thunderstorms, so this is basically my worst fears worked into the story. Thanks for reading, Bee!

  24. Sean April 4, 2013 / 11:48 AM

    It is a joy to read the furtherance of this dialog. I was surprised by the strip club usage but I think I’ll chalk that up to you having way too much on your plate at one time but i could be wrong. The shoelace at the end was a nice twist along with the unknown feature of the person. We all are probably going through whom that may be. I think it’s the gardener lol. You take care and keep up the writing as much as time will allow you without overdoing yourself.

    • jannatwrites April 4, 2013 / 12:40 PM

      Your comment made me chuckle, Sean – the part about the strip club reference. I should clarify that it’s attributed to the Trifecta prompt instructions, in the usage of “rain.” I debated sitting this one out, but I really wanted to continue the story, mainly because this has been about all the writing I get done. And, I only write this story on Trifecta prompts because many of the readers only read my blog for the challenge responses.

      The gardner, huh? That could take the story in an expected direction!

      • Sean April 4, 2013 / 1:23 PM

        I saw the trifecta definition and that is why it surprised me. Usually your usage of how they want the word used would be more original than the example shown. You are very gifted in writing and use it well. Rain could have been used as an ending to this story but it is too early for that. Where Darlene through the money in one of the characters face after it was discovered what the entire plot was.

        • Sean April 4, 2013 / 7:01 PM

          My example was bad also. Maybe something like “her emotions were in a whirlwind like a waterfall of money raining down upon her” or something like that.

        • jannatwrites April 4, 2013 / 10:12 PM

          Well Sean, my problem with this prompt was that I couldn’t see it any other way than what they described. In addition to the specific definition, I had to be careful to use it in the form given – rain – not rained, rains, raining, etc. I’ve read over half of the other entries and there were a few who were able to do what I couldn’t and came up with a unique way to do the prompt that still follows the rules. Ah well, there’s always next time! Thanks for offering your thoughts and suggestions on this…much appreciated!

        • Sam Edge, Writer April 4, 2013 / 10:28 PM

          I had to go back a catch up … I’m hooked now 🙂 and I liked your stripper raining metaphor

        • jannatwrites April 4, 2013 / 10:32 PM

          Wow, thanks for taking the time to read the previous parts of the story – I appreciate it, Sam.

  25. Trifecta (@trifectawriting) April 4, 2013 / 2:49 PM

    Great use of the prompt. I know that feeling well and you transported me to those middle of the night moments.

  26. coyotero2112 April 5, 2013 / 7:59 AM

    All was well – 33 likes – until I added mine. I know how good you are with the 33-word writing bits. Sorry to ruin the continuity of your blog. Now my comment will be the 67th…I’m really ruining the continuity, more than doubling 33. I’ll be a bit more respectful of numerology next time.
    Later…

  27. Sandra April 7, 2013 / 1:29 PM

    Sorry I’m late to the party. My first thought was Jeff as the intruder, but somehow I don’t think it is. The plot thickens… I wonder if you have the ending all thought out yet? 🙂

    • jannatwrites April 7, 2013 / 8:56 PM

      Glad you had a chance to read it, Sandra! Well, I have an ending in mind…just not all the stuff in between. And, I’m trying to decide how much to reveal here in case I ever get around to making this a longer story.

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