My mom often comments that she doesn’t know how I get it all done. She then rattles off several things that I push around have on my plate…work, my husband, the kids, Cub Scouts, housework, etc. I smile nervously and deflect my gaze. It’s like looking her in the eyes would signal my acceptance of her observation. I know she means well, but I get uncomfortable under the weight of that statement.
Yes, I do have a full life. Everyone does. Most days, I manage reasonably well to fake it through the day. But everything is far from getting done. I’m behind reading with my younger son, so I add a half hour of reading time. Then, I don’t have time to look at my older son’s geography project. I do that the next day, and by doing so, I didn’t get the grocery lists done. I double up on reading and homework review the next day, almost smug that I’ve beat the system…then I remember I have a Cub Scout meeting in two days and I still have to plan the activities.
I’m not getting everything done; I’m merely getting by.
Long after everyone else is in bed, I sit at the computer. I steal borrow (yeah, borrow sounds much nicer; more legal) some time for me. I manage to get blog posts done and a few short stories and poems here and there, but my novel sits untouched; I decide it needs more time than I can give it right now. I think my sleep time won’t notice, but the next day, when I fight my midday slump, I realize that my theft has not gone unpunished.
I always thought I was an honest person, but the same borrowing goes on when it comes to my spiritual growth. I feel better when I spend some time reading scriptures, opening my heart for God’s truths to speak to me. I also feel better when I avoid the cookies and cupcakes someone brought in to share with the office, but for some reason, I make choices that leave me feeling empty and wanting more (and carrying a few extra pounds.)
This weekend, I’m at the last camping trip of the year with my older son. I pray that God will help me to let go and enjoy this time without thinking about all the stuff that isn’t getting done. I hope God will work in my heart during this off-line time. I feel like I’m not accomplishing what I’m supposed to…but I don’t know what God’s plan is for me. (Hello, cryptic dream…lightning bolt…anything???) I hope writing is an answer, but I want to have an open heart in case His plan for me is something else.
I can’t do it all. Something’s gotta give and I hope God will guide my way.