If this week was a roller coaster, I’d ask for a refund because I never made it to any of the exhilarating peaks. Let’s face it: a roller coaster isn’t fun when you’re stuck at the bottom. I had brief moments of peace that withered into failed attempts of reaching acceptance.
The closest I came to the top was one evening, after reading Suzicate’s post “Enough Grace For Today”. I felt like she wrote it just for me (egocentric, I know). The whole piece was beautiful, you should really check it out, but certain lines spoke, no screamed, to me. “Blossoms will replace my thorns….love will dissolve bitterness…I will hear and see with my heart…I will walk with patience at my side…I choose happiness…I choose to walk in grace.”
As I write this post on Saturday night, I recognize that I have a heart divided. I am broken. I am holding onto the bitterness of an unfair situation that I cannot change, even though I know my mental health depends on setting it free. My thorns of frustration and resentment keep me from glimpsing so much as a bud at the end of a long stem, and I go between tears and angry outbursts because I know this just isn’t me. After a full day of the kids fighting non-stop, I can assure you that patience has taken cover somewhere far away from my side. Maybe if I’m really nice and ask, “pretty please” it will agree to escort me through tomorrow?
I pray that once the uncertainty is over I can accept what “is” and let the bitterness go. I have to learn to be okay with an unknown future. (It seems whistleblower laws protect employees about as well as restraining orders protect battered spouses.) We’ve explored the legal route; the cost is too high in dollars and emotional toll. Besides, no one wants to touch the employer because, well, they are pretty much untouchable.
I worry about tomorrow, even though I know God will provide. He always has. This is how I recognize my divided heart. I want whatever is holding me back to be banished, so I can feel the freedom of God’s promise without any doubts or second-guesses.
And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. To our God and Father be glory forever and ever. Amen. Philippians 4:19-20
This post is getting lengthy, but I wanted to mention one other item. I’m in the process of going through my old posts and removing any images that are not my own (including Microsoft Clip Art). If any of these fixed posts are being emailed to subscribers, I’m so sorry! I hope you will be patient with me. Next week, I’ll do a more complete post about what brought this on.