Divided

If this week was a roller coaster, I’d ask for a refund because I never made it to any of the exhilarating peaks.  Let’s face it:  a roller coaster isn’t fun when you’re stuck at the bottom.  I had brief moments of peace that withered into failed attempts of reaching acceptance.

The closest I came to the top was one evening, after reading Suzicate’s post “Enough Grace For Today”.  I felt like she wrote it just for me (egocentric, I know).  The whole piece was beautiful, you should really check it out, but certain lines spoke, no screamed, to me.  “Blossoms will replace my thorns….love will dissolve bitterness…I will hear and see with my heart…I will walk with patience at my side…I choose happiness…I choose to walk in grace.”

As I write this post on Saturday night, I recognize that I have a heart divided.  I am broken.  I am holding onto the bitterness of an unfair situation that I cannot change, even though I know my mental health depends on setting it free.  My thorns of frustration and resentment keep me from glimpsing so much as a bud at the end of a long stem, and I go between tears and angry outbursts because I know this just isn’t me.  After a full day of the kids fighting non-stop, I can assure you that patience has taken cover somewhere far away from my side.  Maybe if I’m really nice and ask, “pretty please” it will agree to escort me through tomorrow?

I found a ‘happy place’

I pray that once the uncertainty is over I can accept what “is” and let the bitterness go.  I have to learn to be okay with an unknown future.  (It seems whistleblower laws protect employees about as well as restraining orders protect battered spouses.)  We’ve explored the legal route; the cost is too high in dollars and emotional toll.  Besides, no one wants to touch the employer because, well, they are pretty much untouchable.

I worry about tomorrow, even though I know God will provide.  He always has.  This is how I recognize my divided heart.  I want whatever is holding me back to be banished, so I can feel the freedom of God’s promise without any doubts or second-guesses.

And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. To our God and Father be glory forever and ever.  Amen.  Philippians 4:19-20

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This post is getting lengthy, but I wanted to mention one other item.  I’m in the process of going through my old posts and removing any images that are not my own (including Microsoft Clip Art).  If any of these fixed posts are being emailed to subscribers, I’m so sorry!  I hope you will be patient with me.  Next week, I’ll do a more complete post about what brought this on.

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20 thoughts on “Divided

  1. Cloonan July 29, 2012 / 5:33 AM

    I’m not sure of the details of your situation…but I have learned this in life…time is on your side. If you work with someone who has done wrong eventually it will catch up to them. The key is whether you can put up with it before their judgement catches up to them. If you can’t ride it out the best thing may be for you to move on. If you’ve done what your heart told you to do …that alone may be all you were suppose to do. Now you need to protect your sanity…and that may mean you need to leave. Whatever your plight…I’m certain you will rise above it. We can’t control the world and we know it is unfair and unjust often.

    • jannatwrites July 29, 2012 / 3:18 PM

      Thanks for weighing in, Cloonan. I guess one day, they will reap what they sow. A price can’t be put on sanity, and I think leaving would be the best way to preserve it 🙂

  2. Cloonan July 29, 2012 / 5:42 AM

    btw…whatever you do…don’t leave until you’ve secured a new position elsewhere. Adding the stress of unemployment isn’t a great option. If things are so bad that you must pick up and go…if the environment is harmful, toxic or unsafe then you only have one choice. Regardless…good people can outlast the storm.

    • jannatwrites July 29, 2012 / 3:20 PM

      I’m not sure how long the choice will remain ours, but you’re right – unemployment is stressful and not the way I’d prefer it to go. Thanks, Cloonan!

  3. suzicate July 29, 2012 / 8:24 AM

    Janna, I’m happy my words spoke to you and will help heal your heart in some way. I wrote it because I am in the midst of trying to let go of resentment that I thought I’d dropped. It’s a very personal situation though it did not happen to me directly…I am ashamed for still having such bitterness in my heart and carrying them into the daylight when approached with this subject. The words did help me to write, and only in praying for (and having close friends also pray) this situation and receiving His guidance reminders of when I am letting this person get to me. I KNOW the way I act says as much if not more about me than the other person and that is my reminder to let the goodness in my heart extend to even those who have wronged me. I admit it is very difficult at times, especially when said person is demanding and critical, but through Him I can do all things as you can, too. I pray for your situation, Janna. He will provide for you and your family and your situation. Bless you and yours.

    • jannatwrites July 29, 2012 / 3:26 PM

      Why does resentment do that – go away and then come back again? I’ve had that happen, too. I appreciate the prayers, Suzicate. I’m looking forward to the day when I can move past this. I know it will come, so I guess I need to rally that patience to help me get there.

  4. Imelda July 29, 2012 / 9:27 AM

    Janna, I feel for you. I pray that things get better for you soon. I am reminded of the passage from St. Paul that speaks of God not giving you trials beyond your ability to handle them. I suppose it is hard to keep it to heart when the going is really tough, but hang in there. God’s grace abounds. May God’s peace be with you. 🙂

    • jannatwrites July 29, 2012 / 3:32 PM

      Thanks for the prayers, Imelda. I have heard that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle…I tend to forget that. I appreciate your kind words of support.

  5. cuhome July 29, 2012 / 11:54 AM

    I am so sorry for the difficulty you’re going through, and wish you weren’t feeling the frustration and fear that you are feeling. It sounds like you are not alone, so that is good. I won’t patronize you with any well-intended platitudes. You have added much to my life with your blog, and I look forward to continuing to read more. I want to know how things work out for you. And please do explain why you are removing all images, not your own….. yikes! I might need to know about this!!

    • jannatwrites July 29, 2012 / 3:37 PM

      Thanks, Janet. I’ll post as much as a I can about this without revealing too much info. There is so much I’d love to get off my chest, but some things are best unwritten 🙂

      I should have the post explaining the image removal ready by Wednesday, along with a link to the blog post that got me started!

      • cuhome July 29, 2012 / 3:40 PM

        Thanks. Sounds like I might have to start learning how to use my camera~~~

        • jannatwrites July 29, 2012 / 3:43 PM

          May be safer that way!

  6. Debbie July 29, 2012 / 12:08 PM

    Janna, can you feel my long-distance hugs?? You’re in my thoughts and prayers, friend, and I hope God will help you resolve your dilemma soon. Isn’t it awful to be stuck on a fence??

    • jannatwrites July 29, 2012 / 3:39 PM

      I think I do, Debbie. I feel a little better 🙂 I appreciate your prayers. There is a meeting this week and we are expecting some sort of resolution by the end of the week. At this point, I’m not sure I care so much what it is; I just want it to be over.

      Oh, yes, being on the fence is the worst 🙂

  7. pattisj July 29, 2012 / 12:09 PM

    The Philippians scripture is a promise. He WILL meet all your needs, no doubt, no fear can withstand it. Praying.

    • jannatwrites July 29, 2012 / 3:42 PM

      I love the peace held in that promise. I want it to fill my heart. I’m praying and waiting (not very patiently, but I am waiting nonetheless.) Thanks for your support, Patti 🙂

  8. Carl D'Agostino July 29, 2012 / 6:51 PM

    I have bitterness and resentments and I will never let go or forgive despite the admonitions of Jesus and the advice of mental health providers. But at least I don’t obsess or seek revenge so that is growth. Hey, I’m Sicilian. Betrayal is war and death. Yep, just like in the movies. I think making jokes and cartoons, well the humor drives that bad thoughts out of my mind to a large degree. Dealing with chronic negativity is exhausting. I think coping can bring only so much peace and then it is time to extract ourselves if at all possible.

    • jannatwrites July 29, 2012 / 11:03 PM

      “Dealing with chronic negativity is exhausting” – you got that right, Carl! It is in our best interests to get away from the negativity.

      You Sicilian comment cracked me up. Thanks for the laugh 😆 I do hope one day you can lighten your burdens and bury the hatchet(s)

  9. Widdershins July 29, 2012 / 7:20 PM

    Sometimes it’s OK (and even necessary) to get down-n-dirty raging screaming angry. It clears the air. Is there someplace near you where you can be by yourself and scream and rage and stomp you feet and not have anyone nearby to judge or silence you? When we try and shift our energy and out spirit isn’t ready all we get is resentful … Give it a try. It’s very liberating. What’s the worst that could happen!!!

    • jannatwrites July 29, 2012 / 11:05 PM

      Good idea, Widdershins. I did have a mini-meltdown yesteray over something silly and it let off a little steam. I feel like I have much more I can do! Thanks for the suggestion 🙂

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