Trifextra Entry #2: Lost Innocence

LOST INNOCENCE

Stolen kisses,

Tangled sheets;

Whispered promises,

Lies woven like lace.

Golden band

Belonged to another;

Took a chance

On illusions of forever.

Years of regret

For the day a child

Became a fool.

~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-

I don’t expect this to be included in review for the challenge, but I had to fix a stanza issue in my original submission.  A couple of readers commented on my ending.  No excuses, other than “33” on my brain 🙂  It still may not be “right”, but it feels right in my mind!  Here’s another 33-word version of this poem with the last three lines turned into four:

LOST INNOCENCE (Take 2)

Stolen kisses,

Tangled sheets;

Whispered promises,

Lies woven like lace.

Golden band

Belonged to another;

Took a chance

On illusions of forever.

Regretful years,

Always remembering;

That day a child

Became a fool.

~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-~~~-

This is my second entry in the Trifextra:  Week Eight weekend writing challenge.  Here are the rules:

This weekend’s challenge is to write a story entitled ‘Lost’ in exactly 33 words. The word ‘lost’ can only appear in the title, not your 33 words. Any reference to the TV show could result in another visit to see the editors in the Trifecta offices.

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43 thoughts on “Trifextra Entry #2: Lost Innocence

  1. barbara March 17, 2012 / 12:00 AM

    lies woven like lace . . .

    yes, and yes!

  2. jannatwrites March 17, 2012 / 12:59 AM

    Thanks for stopping by to read my entry, Barbara 🙂

  3. suzicate March 17, 2012 / 5:30 AM

    You did a great job with this one. I love “lies woven like lace”.

    • jannatwrites March 17, 2012 / 10:12 AM

      Thanks, SuziCate. That was my favorite line, too.

  4. nrhatch March 17, 2012 / 6:23 AM

    I love the flow and word choice here, Janna . . .

    Except for the very last line: “Became a fool.” It seems out of place.

    • jannatwrites March 17, 2012 / 10:15 AM

      Nancy, I like that you are willing to share your *honest* opinion. I will admit that I struggled a bit more with the 33 words on this one. I have the bald spots to prove it 🙂

    • TikkTok March 17, 2012 / 7:35 PM

      Nancy, I’m going to have to disagree. 🙂 I think the juxtaposition of the last line is fantastic. The imagery building up to it is colorful; beautiful; heightened. The last line, I assumed, was to completely leave us flat. It’s great, imo. 😆

  5. becca givens March 17, 2012 / 9:36 AM

    Lies woven like lace and on illusions of forever are multi-layered lines so common in this situation! The heart always gets hurt!! Nice job!

    • jannatwrites March 17, 2012 / 10:19 AM

      Thanks for sharing your comment, Becca. I appreciate you taking the time to read 🙂

  6. fghart March 17, 2012 / 9:42 AM

    Oh, snap! Great job with the prompt. So many words unstated, rendering so much power to the 33 shared here.

    • jannatwrites March 17, 2012 / 10:19 AM

      Thanks, Fghart! I’m glad you liked this 33-word entry 🙂

    • jannatwrites March 17, 2012 / 10:20 AM

      Thanks for reading, Ruby. I appreciate it 🙂

  7. Sandra March 17, 2012 / 1:01 PM

    I love the way you write!

    • jannatwrites March 17, 2012 / 8:24 PM

      Thanks for the wonderful compliment, Sandra. You made me smile 🙂

  8. Sightsnbytes March 17, 2012 / 2:18 PM

    nice words
    nice order
    nice message
    nice blog

    • jannatwrites March 17, 2012 / 8:26 PM

      Nice comment:)

      Thanks for stopping by to read, Sightsnbytes!

  9. TikkTok March 17, 2012 / 7:36 PM

    This was fantastic, for sure. 33 words is tough, isn’t it? 🙂

    • jannatwrites March 17, 2012 / 8:32 PM

      Thanks, TikkTok. I’m glad you liked it (even the questionable last line.) The last line is what came to me first and I wrote the poem around it. I’m not sure why it stuck with me, but it was a twist on the “boy becomes a man” saying; a statement about growing up (or in this case, foolish).

      • TikkTok March 17, 2012 / 8:35 PM

        The seed for the post- it’s important! 😀 That’s a really great way to write around the concept. 🙂

        • JannatWrites March 17, 2012 / 10:30 PM

          Yeah, it has to start somewhere. Sometimes I’m just backwards, that’s all 🙂

        • TikkTok March 18, 2012 / 9:30 AM

          Well, here’s the thing……. inspiration strikes in many ways; in many places. The wrong is in ignoring it or questioning it. If the line bothers *you*- change it- it’s yours to change. But don’t feel obligated to change anything for anyone else, unless you are trying to sell it, in which case, an editor might have two cents you need to listen to. 😉 Just my .02, of course, ymmv. 😀

        • jannatwrites March 18, 2012 / 12:53 PM

          You’re right, Tikk Tok! Trust me, I didn’t change the line to appease anyone else. Sure, I reread it because of a couple of comments about the ending (and because I did a lot of chopping to get the 33 words), but I changed it because the line count bothered me. The ‘child became a fool’ part didn’t go anywhere because I think it needs to stay. Now, I think it flows better and will probably never read it again, which frees up my time to obsess over my word choice in another piece 😉 Thanks for sharing your 2 cents!

        • TikkTok March 18, 2012 / 1:16 PM

          As long as you are happy with it, that’s what counts. :mrgreen:

        • jannatwrites March 18, 2012 / 1:26 PM

          Love the smiley! Thanks, Tikk Tok 😎

  10. Latitudes of a Day March 18, 2012 / 12:19 AM

    Very nicely done :), but the last line “For the day a child Became a fool.” seems not quite right. The poems feels like it’s moving one way and you backed away from its promise.

    • jannatwrites March 18, 2012 / 1:20 AM

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Latitudes. I read the poem again (it’s a new day) and it struck me that the poem really needs another line. It’s written by lines of four and the last group is only 3 lines. I’ve submitted two entries for the Trifecta challenge, but I will add a revision to this post. It probably won’t be considered as an entry, which is okay – at least I’ll sleep tonight knowing my lines are paired off evenly 🙂

  11. Cloonan March 18, 2012 / 7:03 AM

    love it. especially the ending. as we grow we become bigger fools with what we lose or are content to let go without the knowledge of how to retain or protect.

    • jannatwrites March 18, 2012 / 12:39 PM

      Your comment sums it up nicely, Cloonan. We all like to think we’re getting “older, but wiser” but that isn’t necessarily the case. Thanks for reading and expressing your thoughts on this poem.

      • Cloonan March 18, 2012 / 1:24 PM

        your words expressed it I just mirrored your feelings…:) which is nice

        • jannatwrites March 18, 2012 / 1:58 PM

          It is a good feeling to know when others ‘get’ a piece of writing. Thanks, Cloonan!

  12. Paula Tohline Calhoun March 18, 2012 / 9:56 AM

    Hi Janna! Long time no see! None of us have written any bad poetry lately – and both of these are a case in point! They are both quite good, but I believe that I like the second better. If you don’t mind, I have a suggestion for #2 that might tighten it up and give it even more flow: Why not make these three lines:

    “On illusions of forever.

    Regretful years,

    Always remembering”

    read like that middle one, i.e.,

    forever-illusions
    regretful years
    remembering always;

    If you had a problem with reducing to 33, then that would free up two words, maybe even 3 if you count hyphenations as one word. However, if you had difficulty coming up with 33, then that wouldn’t help! 😆

    In any event, congrats on your win last week, and both of yours this week are contenders in my book! I’ve subscribed to your site, and look forward to reading more!

    • jannatwrites March 18, 2012 / 1:04 PM

      Thanks for visiting, Paula. Yes, it has been a long time since I have shared my worst poetry (some ‘bad’ ones have been written, but I had the good sense to not publish them :))

      I had more problems with this than I can count (surely more than 33!) Time and again I’d end up with 34 words, change it, and have 32. I’m not good enough at poetry to write it with constraints, so I think I’ll save it for free-form in the future. It was a “fun” exercise, though. (Did I also mention that I enjoy banging my head against walls and stubbing my toes for “fun”?)

      Thanks for your nice comment and your efforts to shine up this piece. I appreciate your thoughtfulness! (Oh, and thanks for the subscription :))

  13. Trifecta (@trifectawriting) March 18, 2012 / 1:17 PM

    I like this a lot. I think that the revised version (which of course counts) is perhaps slightly better than the first, but I have to say both endings worked for me. I love the ‘lies woven like lace’ line. Thanks for linking up and hopefully see you for the weekday challenge starting on Monday.

    • jannatwrites March 18, 2012 / 1:28 PM

      Thanks, Trifecta. Glad it counts! I’ll certainly take a look at the weekday challenge and submit something if inspiration pays me a visit 🙂

  14. pattisj March 18, 2012 / 9:23 PM

    I agree with the “lies woven like lace.” You hit that one out of the park!

    • jannatwrites March 18, 2012 / 9:29 PM

      I’m glad you liked that, Patti! Sometimes I get lucky and memorable phrases come to me…other times, not so much 😉 Thanks for stopping by to give it a read – I know I did a lot of posts last week.

      • pattisj March 18, 2012 / 9:40 PM

        I always enjoy reading your blog, Janna. I got behind this week, too many nice days and errands, etc.

        • jannatwrites March 18, 2012 / 9:56 PM

          Our blustery weather might make it to your side of the country within a few days. I’ve enjoyed the rain, though (first rain this year!)

          Thanks for continuing to read my posts…I enjoy your comments, Patti.

  15. cuhome March 20, 2012 / 8:13 AM

    Beautiful poem. “That day a child became a fool” was good, felt like a sudden drop, an unexpected “thud”. You put the period down firmly at the end, making your point strongly!

    • jannatwrites March 20, 2012 / 5:44 PM

      Thanks, Cuhome. I know that ending didn’t resonate with everyone, but I still liked to read the thoughts on the poem!

      • cuhome March 21, 2012 / 9:51 AM

        Just so there’s no misunderstanding, I liked the ending. I think it had its intended, startling effect!

        • jannatwrites March 21, 2012 / 7:00 PM

          There’s no misunderstanding, Cuhome – I thought you had liked it based on your comment. Thanks for taking to clear up any confusion 🙂

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