After I accidentally washed my cell phone last weekend, I complained that my querying would be on hold since I didn’t have a phone. Because, you know, I’ve got such an awesome query that the agents are going to pick up the phone and talk to me instead of a simple email reply. I’m being sarcastic, of course. I’m very aware the chances of an agent calling me are somewhere around 1 in 879,326,294.3335 – in other words, I’m more likely to get hit by lightning twice or win the lottery jackpot (or both in the same day). But still, in my mind, it made a good reason to not query right now. It didn’t even immediately strike me as odd; that took time.
Having a degree in psychology, you’d think I’d catch on to my thoughts and behavior sooner. But no, I stealthily tip-toe down the path of avoidance and don’t look over my shoulder until I’ve nearly forgotten what it was I should be doing. Yes, my subconscious is extremely sneaky and devious.
Here’s what I’ve done this week during the evening hours normally set aside to work on my second novel: wrote bad poetry, cleaned house, wrote query song, read/commented on blogs, emptied and organized desk drawers and wrote more bad poetry. Impressive; I managed to avoid any querying and didn’t even open novel #2.
Suddenly, I see this is a life pattern; to put it harshly, I have a history of being a lazy quitter. When things get tough, I take the path that requires the least effort of me.
Let me summarize my work history as a glaring example of this: several months after graduating college, I took a job at company #1. The hiring manager was my best friend’s sister, so it was hardly a ‘cold’ interview. When I decided to leave there, I had an ‘in’ at company #2 because a co-worker’s dad worked there and talked to the hiring manager. When company #2 closed, someone from company #1 called and offered me a job. Rather than pound the pavement, I took the offer. After nearly five years, I remembered many of the reasons why I left in the first place, so I left again. No, I didn’t relentlessly search and interview until I found my dream job; I went to work for the manager I worked for at company #2 and I’ve been there for two and a half years. (Don’t get me wrong, the job isn’t miserable, but I’m not passionate about it either).
I’ve never had to exert effort to impress anyone in the business world; I took the easy way out and accepted what came to me instead of looking within and contemplating what I really wanted to do when I grew up. None of the job changes really furthered my career; I’m doing the same stuff I did twelve years ago. I guess one could look at it that I’ve been lucky enough to have contacts – if that’s the case, too bad I don’t have any of those in the literary world 🙂
Why I make decisions that keep me running on life’s squeaky hamster wheel, I don’t know. But now that I’ve figured out my subconscious plot to numb me into submission, I have to fight back. Becoming a published author may be a longshot, but I’ll never know unless I dedicate time each day to the cause. I’ve got to go work on novel #2 now.
P.S. I tried a query earlier, but am having trouble with my e-mail. That’s another blog post entirely!